Self-love is an important ingredient in being connected to your body. There is a formula for self-love. It requires being fully present to yourself, your body and attending to yourself in a warm, open, non-judgemental manner – and allowing your heart to open.
Loving yourself and your body requires you to accept all the imperfections and embrace all of the physical or chronic pain or uncomfortablness that you may have at any point in time in your body. It requires you to accept your weight, your looks, your height or any aspect of your body that you don’t like. That does not mean that you love your chronic pain or body imperfections, but you don’t hate them either. Loving them and knowing that within the depths of your body lies the perfection of your soul.
Feel free to change the things you do not like about your physical appearance. But, know that it can only change with love. And that you will only be able to stay connected to your body with self love.
You never abandon yourself, despite the fact that you may have been abandoned by others. You never give up on yourself, no matter what your body looks or feels like.
The Buddha said, “Whatever we practice, we will become”. So practice, practice, practice loving yourself and your body and become who you are meant to be.
Michele Germain LCSW Relationship and Body Image Expert
email: michele@michelegermain.com
]]>Developing a relationship with your body seems easy and simple, and it is but very often we hide our uncomfortable feelings in the muscles of the body and they become fixed This leads to a numbing out or chronic tension. We do not feel any pleasure only tightness or physical pain. The muscle patterns cause our body to take on a certain shape and prevent our vitality and movement. So in order to change this you must start with awareness.
Your bodies tone, color, posture, proportions, movements, tensions and vitality express the amount of energy and openness in your body.
We all watch people when they move, walk or talk, but now you are going to watch yourself and observe what your body is doing. Start to develop an awareness of each part of your own body. As an example:
Do you have a drooping head, does your head hand down when you walk or talk to someone, does it stick out far in front of your shoulders or does it hand directly over your shoulders aligned with the rest of your body?
Are your shoulders pulled up close to your ears, or down and relaxed? Are they turned inward toward your chest, caved in? Or, are they pulled back allowing your chest to be open and relaxed.
Is your breathing easy and deep, or shallow and tight, or do you start your inhale at your chest or in your belly?
Are you able to move each part of your body easily with a range, or do you feel tight and rigid which prevents the body from moving freely?
Is your feet completely making contact with the ground, or are you leaning back on your heels when you stand and talk to someone? As if your entire body is pulling back and away?
If you recognize any of the above postures in your own body, try to move in a way that feels more aligned. It will not feel natural at first, because you are use to living in your body in an incorrect manner.
Awareness is the goal. This is a important step in developing and reading your own body. When you are connected to your body, you have more of yourself. Your self-esteem and confidence will improve, and you will feel more of your own personal power.
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Think back when you were a child. Do you remember your movements, flexibility and joy of being in your body when you use to jump rope, make sand castles at the beach, play baseball or basketball. Well it is possible if you allow yourself to find your inner child.
Usually it takes some type of crisis or major life event before one stops to notice that they have been hiding from themselves and living completely disconnected from their bodies. Don’t wait until that type of event occurs. Begin now to find your way back. Here are a few tips to consider as you get reacquainted with your body.
1. Try doing some of the child like activities you remember, such as swinging on a swing or kicking a ball and feel your body as your move.
2. When walking or doing any exercise pay attention to your feet hitting the ground. Feel your entire foot make contact with the earth. Pay attention to your head, shoulders, arms, legs etc.as you walk, talk, sit or stand. Are you aware of your total self, as you exercise or are you simply on automatic.
3. When you talk in a general way or you have a sensitive conversation with someone, pay attention to what you body is doing. Are you in you head talking from the neck up, or are you talking with you whole body?
It is surprising that so many people do not realize how much time they spend in their minds, talking, and ignoring the rest of themselves.
Simply try the 3 tips above and see what occurs over a week. Take mental notes or write down your observations. AWARENESS IS THE GOAL.
]]>Is your body at war with two opposing conversations, fighting each other. One side that says “Hold back those feelings they are dangerous”, or the other side that says, “ Feel the feelings and let them move through you”.
This is a common conflict that is unconscious, so now ask yourself which message are you listening to? So many people ask me following a breakup, or crisis of any kind.
“What do I have to do to make the pain go away?
“Why am I still angry all these years after my breakup?
“Why can’t I find a healthy man/women relatonship?
Part of the answer is that you are not fully connected to yourself. In order to live fully from the center of your being and bring out all of yourself, you need to be connected and live in your body. Not jump in and out of it, or live 90% in your head.
So check in again and see which message you are you listening to; the one that says,” feel the feelings and let go”, or the message that says “hold back those feelings they are dangerous”.
This is an important step in the process of reconnecting with your body. Good luck and many blessings.
Michele Germain LCSW, Specializing in Mind/Body Connection
]]>Feelings are the life of the body and thoughts are the life of the mind. When feelings are not felt and resolved, we hold them back and literally stuff them, they then become buried in the body in the form of muscular tension. Over our life time these unresolved hurts accumulate and we become disconnected from our emotional pain and our body.
After a period of time we don’t even realized we are numb and disconnect using our bodies as machines instead of for pleasure. We walk, we exercise and we make love, but we don’t feel the pleasure that our bodies are meant to experience.
I hear so many men and women tell me that they just feel empty or numb or that they don’t feel the pleasure and joy they use to feel. Most don’t understand that they are disconnected from themselves and their bodies.
The question I am asking is “what is your relationship with your body”? Do you feel every part when you move, or do you feel rigid and tight? What do you feel in your body? Do you feel pleasurable sensations, flexibility of movement, open and energetic, or fatigued, restless or tight?
I feel very strongly about helping people to reconnect with the joy in their body that is there birth right. It is a process of reawakening and establishing a good relationship with your body. I will continue to write about this in the blog as it is a step by step process.
The first thing I would like you to do now, is for you to ask yourself the question, “What is my relationship to my body”? Take some time to listen and write down the insights that come up in the next few days. Then just starting writing about your feelings toward your body and see what occurs, be spontaneous as you write. The most important first step is in exposing the bad feelings or negative thoughts and behaviors toward your body.
]]>These are difficult times, so it is important not to become judgemental but to ask yourself a few questions daily and practice some stress reduction techniques. Here are somethings that I have found helpful during my financial difficulty.
1. Use your humor when you can to lighten up the difficulty, it will relieve some stress.
2. Have talks or meetings, on a regular basis with your present partner, children or close friends. Name the problem, but spend more time on the solution. Also, use that time to support each other and give reassurance.
3. Find stress reductions techniques that you can do independently or with your family. Such as Sunday walks, board or card games, riding bikes, planning a picnic or outing.
4. Remind yourself of all of your accomplishments and past difficult experiences that you have solved.
5. Praise yourself for your efforts and silent any negative self talk.
You are the role model for your children, friends, family and neighbors. Many are facing the same financial stress. Do the best you can and stay positive. Your positive behavior will affect others.
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In fact, most hurts from past relationships get buried only to surface in the new relationship,which causes stress and misunderstanding.
The Goal I have in mind is to bring two people together in a common purpose and to state out loud the intention of doing what is best in the Highest Good of the relationship. Since this is about a deeper commitment to move the relationship forward, it requires the uniting and joining of heart and soul.
HIGHEST GOOD implies coming from your heart and affirming that this relationship is to support each other reaching their full potential. It is a commitment of two people joined in love.
Then during the relationship,conflicts, individual differences and arguments can be minimized. The intention of the relationship is stated, written down and there is an verbal agreement. The intention needs to be reaffirmed and talked about on a regular basis to continue to strengthen the healthy bond.
Understand that this is a process, and it will take time. Grief is a normal human emotion to any loss.
Accept where you are and let go of the blame, guilt or shame you may be carrying around.
Acknowledge your feelings and journal daily, to help you to let go of the sadness, anger etc.
Place your hand on your heart and ask yourself during the day how you are doing. This will help you stay in touch with your body and your internal world.
Reach out – do not hide out. Be with loving family and friends who can support and accept you. Stay away from those who are judgemental.
Nurture yourself with music, nature, good food, rest and physical activities that you enjoy
Make a list of all of your achievements and the qualities you like about yourself. Keep adding to the list.
Set short term goals and be realistic.
Praise yourself for your efforts and name what you are grateful for at the end of the day.
I consider a loss of any kind a doorway into the soul. Their lies the gift. Our soul calls out to us in many ways, we only need to listen. Here we will find the the inner peace and security, that helps us move through the world and beyond our personal pain.
Blessings, Michele Germain
]]>So now is the time to connect with yourself. Everyone is hiding something inside of themselves that is making them uncomfortable.
In order to develop a healthy self esteem and regain your identity it is important to first identify your negative self-talk.
Since the breakup are you silently or out loud telling yourself you are a “failure”, “not thin enough, smart enough, intelligent enough, etc. etc.?
Usually this type of self-talk begin in childhood. Negative things are said, and the child internalizes these messages and develops into adulthood negative self talk that gets hidden. One does not even know how much negative self-talk they are doing in any given day.
Start now and begin to listen to your self-talk. Find five things that you tell yourself that cause your self-esteem and identity to take a nose dive.
Then begin to give yourself five positive messages that will make you feel good about yourself. This may sound simple, but it is one of the most important things you can do while you are going through this difficult time.
blessings
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WHAT IS PERSONAL POWER?
Personal power is not obtained by getting even, matching someone’s anger, accepting a challenge, having to win or getting even through revenge. This is what many do when they are attempting to assert themselves especially in a separation/divorce or within an on-going relationship.
It does not involve blaming, attacking, trying to convince someone they are wrong and you are right. If you are asserting your personal power you can make the statement, “we will have to end the conversation and agree to disagree”.
Personal power is the ability to act in a calm secure and grounded manner after you have assessed a situation. It can require setting boundaries, by simply saying “no”, or by politely ending the conversation, by saying “I will not stay on the phone as long as you are being critical”.
It means you are asserting your ideas, thoughts and feelings without looking for approval,.
It is about standing up for yourself in your own behalf.
It requires that you stay grounded in your body, dropping into the center of yourself, feeling your feet on the floor, shoulders back with direct eye contact.
No one can take your integrity away unless you allow them. When you stand up for yourself in your own behalf without trying to get validation, agreement or approval, you will feel that you have stayed with your integrity no matter how the other person responds.
Let go of validation and trust yourself as to what is in your highest good. You know what is best for you. Speak your truth and then let go of the outcome. Try this behavior and see how it feels in your body, and in your soul.
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Sometimes the strategy to get away from this sense of failure, is to jump out of your body to not feel the pain and to keep yourself so busy you don’t hear your negative self-talk. Being busy helps you to stay away from the negative thoughts and the feelings in your body, but does not allow you to heal your self esteem.
Steps to take to heal your self esteem:and inner guilt or shame
Self-Love – Give to yourself, positive message. Self love is the absence of guilt and shame. Tell yourself you have done the best you could do. You are deserving of good. You are worthy of help and support. etc.
Anchor yourself in your body – Listen and embrace all of the feeling with compassion.
List your accomplishments – Make a list of all your accomplishments, strength, and qualities you like about yourself and focus on them. Get your friends to add to the list.
Accept your imperfections – Accept all of your imperfections and know that you are worthy, lovable and enough just as you are. You can be loved with all of your imperfection.
Update your inner child – Remind your inner child that she had negative messages as a child, that she/he internalized, and that she is innocent, pure and a divine child of the universe.
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Now is the time to anchor your awareness in your body This is where you stand at the threshold of becoming expanded and increasing your capacity for pleasure and inner guidance as you move through the feelings.
Here are some things that will help you begin to live more fully in your body.
1. Hesitate during your day, and ask yourself how you are feeling.
2. Scan your body in the morning or in the evening and identify where you feel the most tightness or numbness. Here is where you may be blocked
3. Breath into the areas that are tight or numb. Take 3 or 4 deep breaths and give yourself instructions to let go.
4. When you are moving through your day always feel your feet on the ground.
5. Do some exercise that you enjoy, but do them slowly so you can feel every part of your body moving. Walking very slowly is a good start. (Consult your doctor before any new exercise.)
6. Pause and move slower thought out your day, instead of trying to keep up the pace of everyone around you. Slowing down allows for your to drop down into yourself.
Practice these few tips and see what happens. Your body is your friend and holds the wisdom of your soul. Living in your body is the goal. This is where the pleasure and inner guidance can emerge.
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Has your body image taken a dose dive since your divorce or breakup. This is not uncommon. When you are in a significant relationship for a period of time that is not going well, or when you end a relationship, you may loose your inner sense of worthiness and value
It is also true that our culture projects a “Idealized Body Image” that everyone is to fit into. Many men and women are desperately trying to live up to this image. If you are engaged in trying to live up to the cultural standard, making this fixed image your personal ideal, you will stay away from your genuine self, and disconnect from your essential being.
There is nothing wrong with improving your body, wearing different clothes, or making yourself look younger or older. If it is done with the right intention and you abandon trying to prove your worthiness through your looks and shape of your body.
Here are some tips to regain a healthy body image.
Self Appreciation – Thank your body for the strength, steadiness, health, perseverance and for the joy and pleasure it has given you so far in your life.
Be Present In Your Body – Put your hand on your heart and ask yourself ,”how you are doing.” Let go of your mind drop into the center of your body, feel the sensations and the energy. Focus on your breath. This will help you to connect with your core.
Reawaken Your Inner Child – Find an activity that you did as a child with your body. Jump rope, swing, throw or kick a ball around, roll around on the ground. When you connect with your inner child you will discover your natural joy and pleasure of your body.
Hugging – Give your body contact,by reaching out and hugging those you feel comfortable with. This nourishes the body and tells the body it is loved.
List The Things You Like About Your Body – Make a list of what you enjoy and like about your body. Accentuate those areas, nd focus on them.
Colors Clothes – Wear colors and clothes that highlight your essence,and make you feel good in your skin.
Take one step at a time, but have fun doing some of the things above. After a divorce or breakup it is important to reawaken your body, it may of been asleep or numb. Now is the time to get it back.
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Guilt can surface in many different circumstances. Know matter what situation is occurring if guilt surfaces it means you have put yourself in a box and am playing the game of guilt.
The guilt game causes you to stay stuck in one place, obsessing and feeling like you have done something wrong. It is where you expect some punishment and believe you are unworthy. This unworthiness goes very deep and it is coming up because it is time for you to look at how you feel about yourself and let go of the negative self image you may have. It may be telling you that you do not honor yourself.
If you are stuck in guilt you are being unkind to yourself instead of honoring and respecting yourself.
Ask yourself now, “If I let go of this guilt what will happen”. “ Will I disappear?” “Will I find out I am really as bad as I think I am? Will I find my real worthiness? “Will I feel my sadness over what has triggered the guilt, and be able to let go instead of mentally obsessing over the event? “Will I find that I cannot forgive myself or others”?
If you let go of guilt you will drop down into your compassion and genuine loving self and discover your inherent good that is inside of you. Get yourself out of the box you put yourself in and jump into the circle of self-love and self-forgiveness.
]]>Check in with yourself, in your body and heart and see if you are holding onto old hurt. Then check your mental thoughts and ask yourself what negative thoughts are keeping you from moving forward in a positive way. Do you feel heavy in your body, tight in your heart and obsessive in your mind? If so try this balloon visualization.
Visualization
Find a quiet space and give yourself at least 10 minutes.
Instruct your body from head to toe to slowly let go and relax and then move slowly through your body allowing the melting and soften to take place in every muscle
Now, picture yourself laying or sitting under a tree, with a lake along side,listening to the water ripple and the birds sing, smell the flowers. Take this scene into all your senses.
Now visualize a large colorful balloon, any color you would like with a long string that you are holding in your hand.
Place all your negative thoughts, feelings, old hurts, past losses, self-blame, anger or any negative feeling from the past and place them one at a time into the balloon.
Take as long as you need seeing them leave your body, mind and heart, as you place them inside the balloon.
When you are ready, release the string from your hands and watch the balloon go off into the sky, further and further away from you.
At the same time feel the release in your mind, body and heart. In every muscle of your body feel the release.
Do this as often as you like and it will release the burden and heaviness you might feel from the losses of the past or present.
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