Refuse To Power Struggle

filed in New Beginnings on Feb 19, 2009

Whether you are interacting with your ex-partner, your adolescent your boss or co-workers, refusing to engage in a power struggle keeps you in your power.     Often we are seduced and hooked into an argument by the other.   This can look like your ex-partner criticizing you or stating an untruth about you and you trying to defend yourself or get him to agree with you.  Or, it can look like your adolescence blaming you for the cause of their misery, or your boss or co-worker making some negative comment. 

Whatever the situation when we try to prove we are right and the other is wrong or when we defend ourselves over and over seeking validation, and the dialog goes round and round with no resolution;  you are engage in a power struggle that goes no where and does not accomplish anything, except feeling disempowered.

A recent female client divorcing what appears to be a narcissistic ex-husband keeps asking, “ how do I make him stop lying or telling me that I am wrong”.    Her first reaction is to argue and point out the facts trying to convenience him that he is not seeing it correctly.  Of course that does not get any agreement from him, only more frustration on her part.   So how do you stay empowered when you feel attacked, criticized or when someone is lying or refusing to listen or accept your opinion or facts of the situation?   Here are some suggestions:

l.  State your opinion firmly and calmly, you can repeat it over the conversation but start with “I feel, think or see it this way etc. instead of “ You need to stop telling me or You need to hear what I am saying, or You etc.  

2.  Stay with “I’ Statements only, and be brief.

3  When their is no agreement,and  you hear criticism, ask the person to repeat what they heard you say.

4.  If they are unable to repeat what they heard you say, repeat your statement one more final time.

5.  If there is further attempt on the other person part to keep arguing and wanting you to agree.  Stop the conversation and state.   “It appears we are not going to agree on this topic, so for the time being we may need to agree to disagree and discuss this at another time.

6.  This stops the power struggle, you stay empowered.   And you give up wanting validation.

7.  Validate yourself, or seek validation from someone who you trust and who can give your support.

8.  Seeking validation from those who can only criticize, attack or want to win their point will only re-injure you.

9.  Check in with your body and see how you feel when you attempt this type of exchange.  You will notice that your body will be calmer and you will be more centered.