Forgiveness - Beyond Divorce

filed in Finding Soul on Feb 3, 2009

How Do you move beyond the pain of a breakup or divorce or any event or circumstances for which you feel a deep wound?  Many speak of the need to forgive in order to move forward with your life.

   I believe that your soul knows how to forgive, your  heart is meant to forgive and your body and mind desires the inner peace that comes from forgiveness. You may often hear your friends, family members,  or religious mentors talk about forgiveness as part of the healing process.  Many self-help books discuss it as necessary in order to begin a new relationship.   Intellectually this makes sense to you, but the question is how do you accept the unacceptable and forgive?   And who are you trying to forgive?   Your Ex-partner for abandoning you and breaking his/her promise, your parents for what they did not give you,  your friend who you feel betrayed you during your divorce, your adolescent child who is so angry at you that he/she is withdrawn, your boss or neighbor who does not understand what you are going through?       

  In my experience forgiveness does not happen overnight no matter how hard you pray, or how much you want it to happen. Usually you are still needing to work through other feelings before you can get to a place of forgiveness.  Here are some steps to consider as you move forward in the forgiveness process.

l.  Have the willingness and the intention to forgive.  This  is the first step, even though you cannot “will” yourself to forgive.

2.Ask yourself what emotions are you still hanging onto, anger, sadness?  Work with these feelings by writing them down. Speak your total truth as you journal, and let yourself feel all of the feelings without judging yourself.  

3 Ask yourself if you are holding onto these emotions so you can feel in control,  prove you are right,  avoid taking some responsibility for your part of the situation, or trying to punish the other person. 

4.Next bring compassion to yourself by acknowledging your own pain even if others cannot.   Begin to forgive yourself for what you think you have done, no matter what it is.    Tell yourself you have done the best you can do and honor yourself for your efforts. 

5.In the evening ask daily for help from your deep inner wisdom and spiritual essence to help you to let go of the pain and to forgive, repeat that you have the intention and desire to forgive.

6.   In the evening or throughout your day when you are in a quiet place, open your heart and bring in the light and love of all those you know who love you. Visualize the love coming into your heart.  This will help you feel your own deep loving heart, it will wash away the pain, and help you to forgive all those who have hurt you.   

In my own experience, with the many losses and betrayal I have felt over the years, I always wanted to get to a place of forgiveness. I knew I could feel my own authentic self and attract more good and love in my life if I was able to let go and forgive. That meant continually working at letting go of my anger and resentment and feeling like a victim.  It was and continues to be a process.  But the reward is that my heart speaks louder with my love and I live closer to my soul as my mind and body grows with deeper peace.   Do the best you can from the sincerity of your whole being and you will find your way through the pain to a deeper peace of lasting peace.