Seven Ways To Ease Kids' Anxiety When You Date

filed in Mind, Body Connection on Jun 11, 2007

When their parents date, it creates anxiety in children and teens.  The changes and losses they have gone through often cause them to feel jealous and insecure.  They may become uncooperative, withdrawn, and rebellious or over attached to you.   Each child, depending on age and personality, will react differently.  But it is important to understand that they are struggling with two main feelings.

First, children hold a fantasy that their parents will be reunited so they do not want their other parent replaced.  Second, children fear losing your love and attention and believe they will become less important.

These strong feelings are seldom expressed openly.  Therefore, it becomes critical to be prepared and act in a way that helps them adjust to their feelings about your dating.  Here are seven ways to help ease their concerns and anxiety.

1. Give your children reassurance that they are loved and your relationship with them will not change. A child who feels secure is less likely to feel frightened.  Now is the time to set aside special time with each child, even if it is only 15 minutes a day.  Quality time tells the child you are paying attention and they are important.  Keep your feelings, struggles or inner conflicts about dating to yourself, do not use your children as little therapist.

2.  Allow your children to express all of their feelings about your dating, positive or negative.  Listen and show concern, and do not be reactive by yelling, judging or criticizing.  They can better adjust to the situation if they feel their needs and feelings are being recognized.  Help them to express their anger or fear appropriately.  Once they are allowed to express their feelings they are more likely not to act out inappropriately in front of your date or significant other.

3.  Avoid introducing your children to your casual dating relationships.  Children can get attached easily and suffer more loss. Introducing a series of casual dates to your children will only cause them more anxiety and ambivalence.  Immediately following a divorce or breakup it is wise to limit your dating or be discreet to avoid confusing and burdening your children.

4.  When it is time to make introductions, do not force children to accept your date.  Go slowly.  Talk to your children ahead of time as to how you expect them to behave.  It is important always to teach your children to respect others and to be kind.   They do not have to like someone to be respectful.

5.  Be mindful of your sexual morals, and remember you are always a role model.  Children do what you do more than what you say.  Keep in mind that teens are struggling with their emerging sexuality and have trouble dealing with a parent’s sexuality.

6.  Do not let your date exert authority over your children.  Your children will respond to you better than your significant other until there is sufficient time for integration into the family.

7.  Consider counseling to integrate families.  Blending families are challenging especially when children are carrying around unresolved grief associated with a loss of a parent.

Being single with children has it own set of challenges and it can be demanding and exhausting.  Keep in mind that healthy communication is always the goal.   Being sensitive and respectful of your children’s needs, even though they may not be with yours, will bring families together.