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Historical Wounds Surface In Relationship
filed in Self Esteem on May 12, 2007
A 43 year old male client, divorced three times came to see me because he was concerned about going back into the dating world. “I don’t know what I am doing wrong”, he stated. I find woman who I am attracted to and the dating goes well, but after awhile they become controlling. I don’t know how to deal with their demands and complaints. They always tell me I am not giving them what they need.” “No matter what I do for them it does not seem to be enough”. “ I have no idea what I am doing wrong”.
After some work in therapy it became obvious that he was not looking for an equal partner, but for someone who could be the “good mother he did not have”. He was choosing women because of their own historical wounds had a need to caretaker and be in a motherly role. It was not something I suspect they were consciously aware of within themselves. Usually these type of woman had to be the caretakers in their family of origin at an early age; being parents to their parents or other siblings.
Both partner are unaware of how their dysfunction matches and plays out in their marriage. Each person plays a part in this dynamic, and each feels dissatisfied with the relationship but does not know what is wrong. Only that they are unhappy and they are not getting their needs met. Often these relationship end in divorce because of confusion and frustration and no clear understanding as to how to make the relationship better. Each leaves feeling misunderstood and injured by the other.
The gift of a breakup is that if we reflect, we will learn what role we played, and what historical wounds we brought into the relationship (that we were not conscious of) that contributed to the relationship not working. It is never about blaming self or other. It is about learning and growth. Becoming conscious of our historical wounds will help us understand what we need to change within ourselves.
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