Thanks for the article on guilt and breaking up.

I am currently going through a break up with my fiance and am having trouble dealing with the guilt as I was the one who decided to break it off. My ex is actually a wonderful person and loved me deeply. But, there were some personality conflicts that in the end I couldn't get over.

I suspect the whole relationship moved at quicker pace than what I was comfortable with. She wanted to move in together after a few months of dating. So we did. I also ended up buying a home and, of course, we moved in together. She helped me quite a bit fixing it up - - painting mostly.

Anyway, she has since moved out. But, the guilty feelings I am experiencing can be significant at times. Particularly when I'm alone in the house and see a wall that she painted while I was on a business trip.

We had a lot of happy times together and we got along fairly well. But, ultimately I did not feel that I could commit to her for the rest of my life.

By the way, I have very high personal standards and am very hard on myself when I make a mistake. I still chide myself for mistakes that I made when I was a teenager or a kid.

I also never want to hurt anyone and generally try to avoid conflict, especially in personal relationships (which I know is a weakness). I see myself as a caring, genuine, honest, happy and loving person. I guess that's why I feel so guilty about this break-up as it defies many of the ideals that I aspire to.

I suspect most of my guilt may be due to the fact that my mom is a perfectionist. She was a great mom in many ways and did everything she could to help me succeed in life.

However, whatever I did academically, athletically and even now professionally was never quite good enough. She was never satisfied and always pushed me to do better.

I also recall her comparing how I looked to other kids- - basically saying that they were better looking than I. I suspect this hurt a lot, but I am now only realizing how damaging this was for me emotionally. I think because of this, I seek "acceptance" from a lot of women. This may have stained my own confidence in faithfully maintaining a long-term, for the rest of my life relationship.

Regarding the break-up, my mom was initially very upset. But, she now accepts it and supports my decision and says she just wants me to be happy.

I don't know if this has anything to do with my guilt, nor does it excuse me for breaking my ex fiance's heart. But, I do think about it from time to time.

Any comments would be deeply appreciated.

Kind Regards,
Guilty in Cali

Posted by: Robert on May 12, 2007 9:55 AM

Hi
Thank you for your comments on guilt. Many people experience this feeling, but it serves no purpose. Guilt is the feeling of self-condemnation that we experience after we do something "we think is wroing". It is also a feeling that comes up when we feel we have hurt others.

It is not wrong to be honest with yourself. Which is what you did when you decided to end the relationship. Even though your action caused your ex-partner pain, your intention was not to do harm, but to live from integrity. If you cannot be honest in the relationship and you just please others for the purpose of not hurting anyone there will not be a healthy realtionship.
Or a healthy you.

You are correct, our reaction of guilt do begin in childhood. Parents unknowningly say and do things that cause children to feel that they must win their parents love by doing exactly what is expected of them. This creats guilt in the child, if the child feels he/she is not making mother/father happy. The child becomes overconcerned with others feelings and undervalues their own. This is not good.

You did not make your girlfriend happy when you ended the relationship, and you blame yourself for her unhappiness. Which is what you learned to do as a child.

As adult we are all responsible for our choices and must make our choices from our deeper selves, not from what others wish, want or demand from us.
That is the only way to be a healthy adult. But, it will at times cause others to be disappointed, unhappy or even withdraw. But, we cannot give up ourselves and compromise who we are.

These feelings are coming up to be healed. So you can untangle your confusion and let go guilt.
You are on the right path with being with these feelings and understanding their origin.

There is a old book called"Goodby To Guilt" by Gerald G. Jampolsky M.D. This might be of further help for you.

Michele Germain

Posted by: Michele Germain on May 14, 2007 11:26 AM

hi
thanks for the info on guilt and forgiveness.like the other persons experiences above i was also swallowed ib=n the belly of guilt but your article was so ideal that i caused me now to want to get rid of this hideous guilty feeling.
this thing call guilt has the potential to do great harm to anyone so please everone beware and get rid of guilt.thanks

Posted by: delon alleyne on June 2, 2007 10:43 PM

I broke up with someone over a year ago. It was long distance and I got jealous. She had stopped calling, or so it seemed, and I was going through a recent layoff and a housing crisis, and with all that stress I wasn't thinking clearly and broke it off via text. I felt SO guilty afterward. I apologized profusely for how I broke up (text is so impersonal, but I felt I had no other option since she wasn't answering the phone or responding to anything else). It took me over a year to stop beating myself up and apologizing. I still feel a little bit of guilt about it, but I realize that I did what I felt I had to do at that time. I hear through a mutual friend that she's fine now which took away some of the guilt. No, I don't think so much of myself, like I was some sort of catch that she'd never recover from, just I felt so horrible for how I did it.

Posted by: Jake on December 28, 2007 11:08 PM

Ouch - yes, guilt hurts a lot.
Just four days ago I broke up with my live-in boyfriend of three years. We were in the process of buying a house together. I think that very intense reality snapped me into movement, realizing that I needed to act on something I had been considering seriously for a year.

I was in no way prepared for how difficult it would be. The act of breaking up (it was a total shock to my boyfriend) was horrendous, and now this period of moving out and basically losing a best friend. I cry uncontrollably and am even doubting I made the right decision because of how painful this is. I think guilt plays a big part in bringing about that questioning - the fact that a choice I made is hurting someone I still deeply care about is something I have a hard time forgiving myself for. I also question if I could have done it in a different way to kindof ease into it. In the end, it is knowing that he is hurting, and my fault, that kills me.

Posted by: gira on February 11, 2008 5:29 PM

I broke up with my fiance a couple of weeks ago. The guilt has been so overwhelming. As we got more immersed in the wedding planning i would find myself passively acting out-not finding the right invitations, or wedding hall, not being able to pick a location for the wedding....

We get along so well-best friends. But, there were some core issues that i could no longer ignore. And there was a voice inside me that kept saying "No" though he is wonderful person and i still love him dearly.

I have been on an emotional roller-coaster-especially after telling my parents and friends. My parents especially were upset since i am 30-something (time to settle down) and they really liked him.

I am just trying to be kind to myself-and remember that i am trying to be as honest as possible. AS i really looked internally I saw that I could not go further in the relationship with marriage and children. It takes courage to end a relationship this far in.

Since we live together in the same house-it is going to be harder since we see each other everyday and he is determined that we try again.

It helps, though, to read these posts. I would encourage others in this kind of situation to post comments as it gives me some strength to know there are others out there.

Posted by: Mauree on March 11, 2008 4:34 PM

Hello All,

About 9 months ago, I broke off a 8.5 year relationship that was the best of my life. Nothing terrible happened, but we were just unable to move to the next level (marriage & kids) and as we are both in our 30s it was best to seperate and try to build new lives that could go to that next level. She was and still is my very best friend. The guilt is often overwhelming. She has already dated, but things haven't worked out and I feel like I cannot move forward until I know she has happily moved on. I know that is irrational, but I can't help it. We are still close and she calls me when she feels lost or lonely. Though so many people say it is unhealthy, I HAVE to be there for her. She's my best friend. I can't just abandon her completely.

I pray daily that she meets someone new and better than me so she can move into the next phase in her life happily.

As for me, I've had zero interest in any new women. I don't know if I have the strength to fall in love just to watch so many dreams crumble away again.
Leaving the person I've loved the most is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. My guilt is bourne from all the promises I made that I tried my best, but couldn't keep. I feel like the relationship failed because I didn't try hard enough - even though I know that isn't true.
I've heard painful breakups takes years to fully recover from. I'm fine with that as long as it's true. Anyway, that's what I'm going through.

Best to everyone out there who is going through something similar.

Posted by: Danny on April 14, 2008 9:31 PM

Dear Danny

Thank you for your sharing your feelings and what it has been like for to end a significant relationship.

You do have deep feelings for your ex-partner that may always be there, but there was another part of you that knew that the relationship must end so you acted on your deeper knowing. It is very difficult to let go, even when you know it is the right thing to do. It requires you to hang out in an unknown space, and trust that another relationships is in your future.

The question you may ask yourself is, " why do I lack the trust that there is someone out there for me as well as my ex-partner. This usually has something to do with our sense of worthiness and self-esteem.
Try to see your ex-partner as capable of finding her way, instead of seeing her as a "victim" and helpless. If you do you will not feel such pain and guilt over having ended the relationship.
There are no accidents all relationships lead down a path with a purpose. It took courage for you to end the relationship. It sounds like it ended it with integrity. The best gift we can give others is our honesty and compassion. Give compassion to yourself and honor yourself for the courage it took to move on in spite of how difficult it was. Review the gifts you have given eachother, and bless eachother as you continue your journey. This will help you move on.

Posted by: MicheleGermain on April 15, 2008 10:50 AM

I broke off my engagement with a girl id been with for only about 8 months.The reason we split was due to her being deeply insecure and jealous.I never cheated on her but she always doubted me which put massive strain on our relationship,so much so that i had to end it.I feel guilty for 2 reasons-firstly because i broke off our wedding,i know she was looking so forward to it,her family had paid deposits etc.I feel awful for again being another man in her life who has let her down (men letting her down being the reason for her insecurities in the first place)second reason for my guilt is the fact that ive walked out on our young dog.It sounds ridiculous but i cant help but feel he'll be wondering where i am and feel like ive abandoned him for some reason.If i knew my ex had met someone new and was happy and if i knew my dog was happy then id be ok.I know in my heart ive done the right thing,i just hate having hurt her.Shes been nasty and spiteful since the break up and although it sounds like that should make it easier for me-it isnt.I know that the reason for her anger is because shes hurting.I hope this feeling of guilt passes!!

Posted by: DR on April 24, 2008 9:43 PM

We cannot live in a world without making decisions. We make these decision based on what we know about ourselves at the time, and what we think is best.
Guilt is a feeling of self-condemnation that we experience after we do something we think is wrong. It keeps us stuck and affects our self esteem and confidence. It usually covers up feelings of sadness or anger, and prohibits growth.
It sounds like you were having doubt as she was doubting your loyalty. (And, I suspect other things as well were going on that each of you were not aware of.) And this you felt could not be worked out, so you were honest with her. Honesty, is what a healthy relationship is based on, and it can hurt others.

You, can feel sad that she is hurting, but you do not have to take responsiblity for her pain.
You have your own grief work to do even though you were the one that initiated the ending. So feel you own sadness and/or anger and you will no longer feel the guilt. Do not condem or punish yourself for doing what you thought is best.

Acknowledge the gifts you have received from this relationships and learn what you need to do differently in your next relationship. This will help you to let go and move on. She will have to do her own individually grief work the best way she can. And maybe someday she can acknowledge the gifts you have given her.

Posted by: Michele Germain L.C.S.W. on April 27, 2008 5:37 PM

I recently broke up with my girlfriend of almost four years. I am 24 and she is 26. We are best friends and have what I think is a soul-mate relationship. I have been struggling with anxiety around the relationship for the past 6 months, feeling trapped between losing my best friend/love of my life and losing myself. She was incredibly tolerant of my need for growth. This was my first serious relationship and there were many times where I felt that I needed time to experience life on my own before giving myself to a committed relationship. Yet, I realized that no amount of understanding and support from her or counseling from friends, family and therapists could "cure" this desire to be free.

So, it ended. She knew what was going on for the past six months and we both fought for my healing while maintaining the relationship. But the reality was, the relationship could not sustain itself with how I was feeling. I am heart broken. I am also relieved and excited to have time to myself. I am also overwhelmed with what I have taken away from her as well as with the sadness of ending something I saw blossoming into a beautiful life together. I have not let go of these feelings and dreams and it has made it incredibly difficult to really feel separate from her while holding on to them. I don't know how to move on when I still feel that we can make it work once I have had more life experience. Yet, I also know that it is unfair for her to wait for me through this. I don't want to actively push away really strong feelings for our future together or say goodbye to a love that we have worked so hard to cultivate. I want to say goodbye to my old struggling self that needed more time to grow before being with someone. The breakup is more about my need to grow than a problem with our connection or a loss of love. Please let me know if you have any thoughts.

Posted by: Adam on May 13, 2008 1:02 PM

Hi, I am in the beginning of a breakup. We have been together for 10 years. We have had ups and downs as normal. We had broken up once before like 4 years ago but got back together. We both have not been happy for some time now but we kept holding on but today it came to a head, no arguing, no fussing just honest talk , that this should end because its not working. I feel INCREDIBLE guilt even though deep down inside I have wanted out for some time now but didnt want to hurt him or seem to selfish in wanting to leave. He is a good person and loves me deeply. I feel so much guilt because I know how much he loves me and I love him to but dont feel I am IN love with him ( whatever that means if anything) I have always felt a lack of passion in our relationship. We moved extremely fast when we first met. We were living with each other within the first year and he was telling me he loved soon after we met. We have a really cool times but also a lot of bad times but all in all I think we can happier apart even though it hurts so bad just coming out and telling that truth. You question yourself if your even making the right decision or making a hasty decision. There is no cheating or anything majorily bad happening but we have just been going through the motions and not genuinly happy and finally today just admitted that. It is hurting pretty bad now , cause I dont want to hurt, i dont want him to hurt but I guess it is inevitable

Posted by: Thai on May 31, 2008 7:39 PM

Thank you for writing your thoughts and sharing your process with others. It sounds like you both have come to a deeper knowing that ending this relationship is for your highest good.

Endings and "letting go" of a relationship even though it is what we want is still very difficult. IN fact most people stay together because being in a unhappy relaitonship is easier than letting go. You both have courage to be honest and go into the grief that endings bring on. Feel your sadness and all the feelings that you have. Give yourself time to heal. ANd do no play the who is guilty who is innocent game. Feeling guilty and selfish because we are being honest and saying 'no' usually comes from childhood. As adults we must be responsible for our own choices and own decision. You must live your life the best way you can and know one knows that better than you.

Prepare a ritual for your ending. Do this with eachother or by yourself. Go to dinner, write down the gifts you each have received from the other in the relationship and bless eachother as you go forward on your path. If he cannot participate in this, do it by yourself or with a friend. Do not be afraid to feel the sadness, but please let go of the guilt. It will keep you depressed, make you feel unloved and cause you to carry self-blame into your next relationship.
Learn your lessons, ask yourself questions and explore what you now know you want in your next relatinship.

If you feel your loss and go through the healing process you will be ready and open to enter another relationship. Do not carry this guilt along with you on your path. It will only weigh you down. Cry instead of feeling guilty and you will heal.

Posted by: Michele Germain on June 2, 2008 10:10 AM

I broke up with my boyfriend of many years after meeting someone else. It was the hardest decision I've ever made. I couldn't imagine not being with this person that I really loved, who had loved me and was my best friend. Something just woke up in me in meeting the new man about long buried dreams and needs that weren't fulfilled in the relationship. I had hoped my ex and I could stay friends, and we tried, but two years later he is still in much pain and I miss him terribly, even though I'm happy in my new relationship. I have so much quilt. Not just about "dumping" him suddenly for another guy, but for leaving him at a difficult time in his life when he was dealing with a lot of loss. For not talking through things sooner and more directly.

Posted by: KH on June 29, 2008 2:09 AM

Thank you for your comment. Guilt can be a heavy burden to carry around, and may keep you from fully being present in your now primary relationship. In fact, consider that you may be keeping yourself from fully surrendering to this new relationship by obsessing about your past.

Do not see your "ex" as a victim even though he is struggling with his loss. Reframe the way you talk about the event. Instead of stating that your "dumped" him, try telling yourself, "with much difficulty I chose to end a relationship that what meaningful because I new staying would not be what is best for me".
I know you have lost a good friend, but your honesty with yourself and others is most
important for any relationship to survive

Posted by: Michele Germain L.C.S.W. on June 30, 2008 11:20 AM

I can relate to the guilt many people have expressed here. I too am going through a break up where I ended a 1 year relationship with a special guy quite suddenly. I've always had doubts about how I felt about him and we had some pretty rocky times in the beginning. But I didn't want to give up so soon and thought he deserved a chance. He is the first man who told me "I love you" and he's the first man I said "I love you" to as well. Though I did love him and we were the best of friends I still couldn't look past certain things, like possible emotional manipulation, and felt it was best to cut things off rather than lead him on for another year. At times I feel like this is just how relationships go. We are trying to figure out who we are compatible with. Other times I feel so guilty since he fell madly in love with me and truly trusted in our relationship. My guilt includes thoughts that maybe I was too sensitive or afraid of commitment. Sometimes I think I was looking for too much perfection or was unwilling to work on a relationship. After all, I felt so comfortable with him and we were in tuned to each others strange sense of humor, etc. (As I read this it sounds like am beating myself up, yes)? Anyhow, I thought others might be experiencing similar doubts and thoughts in addition to the guilt of hurting the other person.

Posted by: NF on August 12, 2008 10:08 PM

It is common to feel some doubt as you end a relationship. Especially, if you are the one to initiate the ending. But, you must trust your intuition. We all like to be in our comfort level, and sometimes staying in a relationship that is not quite the right fit can be easier than moving on. It is difficult to trust that there is someone more compatible for you. You may have seen qualities that you loved in him, which were the parts of him you feel in love with. But, as you mentioned there are qualities that you could not accept and knew could not live with long term. (You were smart enough to know that you cannot change anyone. You must accept them as they are. ) Only you know what is right and what will work for you long term.

As I have said so many times. Being honest in a relationship with ourselves is most important. Your ex-partner may be hurt by your decision, but he would be more hurt if you chose to stay in a relationship and could not give him all the love he deserved because you were unhappy and could not accept him fully.

Trust yourself, as you move forward. Let go of the guilt and know that you must live your life from your authentic self and follow your inner wisdom. Your guilt will keep you from grieving your own pain. So instead of guilt, feel your own sadness, anger, fear etc. You will be doing your healing and be open for your next relatioship.

Posted by: Michele Germain L.C.S.W. on August 21, 2008 9:05 AM

I broke up with my girlfriend of 1.5 years and felt an extreme amount of guilt just like so many have described in this thread. There had been dependency issues that I had decided were too severe between the two of us for us to be able to have a mutually beneficial relationship. But after about 7 months of the guilt not subsiding I was convinced that it had been the wrong decision and that Id never find someone who was as good to me as she was. So I asked her to take me back. She said yes right away, and instead of taking things slowly we dove right back into the way things had been just prior to the break up. It only took a few weeks until I realized I was also feeling the same way I had just prior to the break up.

Because I feared she would be disappointed or paranoid of another break up, I avoided confrontation at all costs and found myself constantly pretending to be someone I wasnt. And because this was such a glaring injustice to her, I eventually yet again made the decision to break it off. And now the guilt is significantly worse. And this is largely because what I did was so obviously and more objectively wrong and cruel to her.

Anyway, the purpose of this post is to advise anyone who is considering rekindling a relationship with someone with whom they broke up while still feeling guilty about it NOT TO DO IT! This seems like a no brainer, but when you're in the situation it will be much easier than you think to lie to yourself and tell yourself that the guilt is not playing a role in your desire to get back together. But if it is there in any slightly significant form, I can tell you that it IS playing a role. And it is poisonous. She even said to me... the first time I couldnt be angry with you because I understood it was just something you had to do... but now I know you're an asshole.

So there is the other message, if you're feeling guilty about a break up, realize that the person with whom you've broken up is probably holding you much less responsible for their sadness than you think. Guilt gives us an unrealistically negative view of our actions. Try not to let it do that to you.

Posted by: J on September 18, 2008 2:50 PM

Hi it has been amazing reading that so many others are going through similiar feelings. I ended our marriage after 17 yrs, 4 children and some good yet difficult times together. He was an amzing husband in some respects good provider and so in love with me I often wonder if anyone can ever love me the same again. I have felt the most overwhelming guilt over the break up,over a year ago, sometimes when i become paticularily upset i feel i cant breath. The teenageers have gone a bit of track since split, dabbling in alcohol with friends, swearing etc. and ex has gone from a sober man to heavy drinker, smoker, dabbles in drugs with his family and goes from house to house sleeping where he can. He was hardworking and took great pride in his job, now he is unemployed and unreliable. I feel overwhelming guilt that i have caused he and the children to become this way from the marriage break up i feel i have destroyed him, he looks so old, unkept and sad now it breaks my heart thinking i have done this to him and that if we had stayed together even though he was emotionally controlling, jealous and verbally abusive a bit at times the rest of the time he was so good and loving. i did it 4 myself and children but now i feeel perhaps i have destroyed them all. Sorry if this upsets anyone.

Posted by: amanda on September 30, 2008 2:40 PM

Dear J.

I can see that you are in the grieving process. It does not matter who initiates the breakup, a greif reaction does occur. Yes, it is not uncommon to feel guilt, especially if you have been the one to initiate the breakup. Guilt is usually a cover up for other feelings, such as anger, over having to make a difficult decision, not getting your needs met during the relationship, feeling cheated etc. Sadness is a natural response to a loss even if you are the initiator.

Keep in mind that you do not have the power to save or destroy anyone. Your ex-husband is making choices that he alone is responsible for, in terms of how he handles this loss. As adults we each must be responsible for our own decision and choices and how we go forward following such a loss.

Your children are also experiencing a loss and it is not unusal for adolescence to act out. It is important that you help your children identify their feelings and give them an opportunity to feel angry and sad. But, also tell them that there is appropriate and inappropriate ways to handle feelings.

The difficulty in breathing can be a result of feelings stuck in the body, the breathing tightens to keep the feelings from flowing out.
Try and let yourself cry and when you feel difficulty with breathing try to pause and ask yourself what you feel inside. Scared, sad, angry etc. Once you name the feeling the breathing should get easier.

When guilt comes up, let it come up and as you would a upset child give yourself love. Give love to the guilt. We are often taught as children that we are responsible for others happiness; and guilt then is a byproduct of that message. We must be able to honor ourselves and do what is in our highest good. We can only be responsible for ourselves not our partners.

So bring love to the guilt when it comes up. And feel your sadness or anger instead. Guilt will also be a weapon your children will use against you if you continue to carrry it in your mind and body. They will know you feel guilty and use that to get their way or act out more of their feelings. If you carry the gult around, as mothers and fathers we tend to overcompoensate and overgive or overindulge our children to make up for what we think we have done wrong.

I hope this was helpful, that you for sharing your experience.

Posted by: Michele Germain L.C.S.W> on October 1, 2008 2:30 AM

I recently broke up with my fiance, and have been having a really hard time with it. I did not make the decision lightly. Now I am overcome by the guilt of the situation. She is a good woman, but there where issues, and I felt like she did not take them very seriously when I would mention them. I keep thinking of her crying and asking me over and over to reconsider. Then I ask myself wouldn't I have wanted the same?? I have met a wonderful woman, and she treats me great, but I feel like the guilt of my past relationship id holding me back from giving my all to this new relationship. I wish I could just let things go, but I keep having dreams about the situation. I accually talked to her a few days ago. She sounds good. I guess I just miss what we had. Any advice would be appreciated.

Posted by: John on October 2, 2008 5:53 PM

I just ended a relationsip of one and one-half years. I still care about this person. I have been wrestling with feelings of guilt because she quit her job and sold many of her posessions to live with me (we had been dating 7 months). Almost as soon as she got here though, it became clear that the relationship had no real foundation. The arguments started, and respect broke down almost immediately. We weren't commited to each other out of love, but because she was now financially dependent on me (she has alot of bills too). I also think she has some void in her life (e.g. a neglectful father) that she somehow thought this relationship would fill. I felt like all of the emotional resources that we have between us were sucked up by her issues. I do care for her, I just know there was no integrity in the relationship. If I had more experience dating I would have seen it before she moved here too, so I also feel guilty because I failed to see that we weren't really compatible. There is a site you should really visit. It's called "the case against marriage." I know... you may disagree with the author and think that marriage really is something special and sublime, but really you should just consider the author's perspective on relationships, and maybe some of it will clear things up for you. Maybe some portion of this will make you see that sometimes a relationship is just not right.

http://www.familycourtchronicles.com/marriage/introduction/#body

Posted by: Patrick on October 9, 2008 12:50 PM

I ended my relationship with my fiance 5 months ago. We were together for 4 years and sacrificed a lot to be together. We had a good relationship, rarely fought, and were in the process of buying a house together (we had been living together for 3 years). I suffer from anxiety and depression, and he was always there for me, which is a lot of the reason for my guilt. We made it through a lot of difficult times together and planned to be together forever. There were personality conflicts though that I had tried to overlook for a long time and I guess the stress of marriage, kids, and a house together in the future was just too much for me to take. I hurt him so bad when I left; he didn't expect it at all. We were best friends and everything to each other. I wanted to be his friend so badly after it ended because I still love him but he hasn't returned my phone calls in about a month. I don't know if he has tried to move on (that's what I want for him) or if he is still suffering from our loss. I can't get over this guilt. It plagues me everyday. How can I stop feeling this horrible about walking away from my best friend?

Posted by: Kristin on October 13, 2008 9:15 PM

Dear Kristin

It is not easy to transform a intimate romantic relationship into a friendship.
Your ex-partner is still grieving and probably at this time cannot connect with you in the way you desire. Maybe in the future. So for now let go of the desire to be his friend and grieve your own loss.

There are good things in your relationship and some of your needs, especially for friendship were met. But, when we are talking about a long-term marriage or relationship where we put our ives together in many ways, it is important to feel that deep inside yourself as what is right. Obviously, you did not believe that the two of you could walk that path together. So, trust your decision and let yourself be sad about your loss.

Also,Journal and write about all the gifts you received from him, and all the gifts you believe you have given him. This will help you to see that you both exchanged gifts and helped eachother along the path however short it was.

Journal and talk about your sadness, and connect with your own inner child who may believe that you will not get those needs met by anyone else.

Sometimes because of our personal history we can feel like we are wrong for putting ourself first and honoring what we feel. This is what you did, you honored what you felt was right for you, you had no intention to do harm to your ex-partner even though he is in grief.

This is what you must focus on now. Pray or send him postiive thoughts for his happiness, when the guilty feelings come up, that will be better use of your mental energy. And be loving to yourself. Sometimes it is very difficult to do the right thing.

Posted by: Michele Germain L.C.S.W. on October 14, 2008 4:26 AM

Dear Kristin

It is not easy to transform a intimate romantic relationship into a friendship.
Your ex-partner is still grieving and probably at this time cannot connect with you in the way you desire. Maybe in the future. So for now let go of the desire to be his friend and grieve your own loss.

There are good things in your relationship and some of your needs, especially for friendship were met. But, when we are talking about a long-term marriage or relationship where we put our ives together in many ways, it is important to feel that deep inside yourself as what is right. Obviously, you did not believe that the two of you could walk that path together. So, trust your decision and let yourself be sad about your loss.

Also,Journal and write about all the gifts you received from him, and all the gifts you believe you have given him. This will help you to see that you both exchanged gifts and helped eachother along the path however short it was.

Journal and talk about your sadness, and connect with your own inner child who may believe that you will not get those needs met by anyone else.

Sometimes because of our personal history we can feel like we are wrong for putting ourself first and honoring what we feel. This is what you did, you honored what you felt was right for you, you had no intention to do harm to your ex-partner even though he is in grief.

This is what you must focus on now. Pray or send him postiive thoughts for his happiness, when the guilty feelings come up, that will be better use of your mental energy. And be loving to yourself. Sometimes it is very difficult to do the right thing.

Posted by: Michele Germain L.C.S.W. on October 14, 2008 4:26 AM