Thanks for the article on guilt and breaking up.

I am currently going through a break up with my fiance and am having trouble dealing with the guilt as I was the one who decided to break it off. My ex is actually a wonderful person and loved me deeply. But, there were some personality conflicts that in the end I couldn't get over.

I suspect the whole relationship moved at quicker pace than what I was comfortable with. She wanted to move in together after a few months of dating. So we did. I also ended up buying a home and, of course, we moved in together. She helped me quite a bit fixing it up - - painting mostly.

Anyway, she has since moved out. But, the guilty feelings I am experiencing can be significant at times. Particularly when I'm alone in the house and see a wall that she painted while I was on a business trip.

We had a lot of happy times together and we got along fairly well. But, ultimately I did not feel that I could commit to her for the rest of my life.

By the way, I have very high personal standards and am very hard on myself when I make a mistake. I still chide myself for mistakes that I made when I was a teenager or a kid.

I also never want to hurt anyone and generally try to avoid conflict, especially in personal relationships (which I know is a weakness). I see myself as a caring, genuine, honest, happy and loving person. I guess that's why I feel so guilty about this break-up as it defies many of the ideals that I aspire to.

I suspect most of my guilt may be due to the fact that my mom is a perfectionist. She was a great mom in many ways and did everything she could to help me succeed in life.

However, whatever I did academically, athletically and even now professionally was never quite good enough. She was never satisfied and always pushed me to do better.

I also recall her comparing how I looked to other kids- - basically saying that they were better looking than I. I suspect this hurt a lot, but I am now only realizing how damaging this was for me emotionally. I think because of this, I seek "acceptance" from a lot of women. This may have stained my own confidence in faithfully maintaining a long-term, for the rest of my life relationship.

Regarding the break-up, my mom was initially very upset. But, she now accepts it and supports my decision and says she just wants me to be happy.

I don't know if this has anything to do with my guilt, nor does it excuse me for breaking my ex fiance's heart. But, I do think about it from time to time.

Any comments would be deeply appreciated.

Kind Regards,
Guilty in Cali

Posted by: Robert on May 12, 2007 9:55 AM

Hi
Thank you for your comments on guilt. Many people experience this feeling, but it serves no purpose. Guilt is the feeling of self-condemnation that we experience after we do something "we think is wroing". It is also a feeling that comes up when we feel we have hurt others.

It is not wrong to be honest with yourself. Which is what you did when you decided to end the relationship. Even though your action caused your ex-partner pain, your intention was not to do harm, but to live from integrity. If you cannot be honest in the relationship and you just please others for the purpose of not hurting anyone there will not be a healthy realtionship.
Or a healthy you.

You are correct, our reaction of guilt do begin in childhood. Parents unknowningly say and do things that cause children to feel that they must win their parents love by doing exactly what is expected of them. This creats guilt in the child, if the child feels he/she is not making mother/father happy. The child becomes overconcerned with others feelings and undervalues their own. This is not good.

You did not make your girlfriend happy when you ended the relationship, and you blame yourself for her unhappiness. Which is what you learned to do as a child.

As adult we are all responsible for our choices and must make our choices from our deeper selves, not from what others wish, want or demand from us.
That is the only way to be a healthy adult. But, it will at times cause others to be disappointed, unhappy or even withdraw. But, we cannot give up ourselves and compromise who we are.

These feelings are coming up to be healed. So you can untangle your confusion and let go guilt.
You are on the right path with being with these feelings and understanding their origin.

There is a old book called"Goodby To Guilt" by Gerald G. Jampolsky M.D. This might be of further help for you.

Michele Germain

Posted by: Michele Germain on May 14, 2007 11:26 AM

hi
thanks for the info on guilt and forgiveness.like the other persons experiences above i was also swallowed ib=n the belly of guilt but your article was so ideal that i caused me now to want to get rid of this hideous guilty feeling.
this thing call guilt has the potential to do great harm to anyone so please everone beware and get rid of guilt.thanks

Posted by: delon alleyne on June 2, 2007 10:43 PM

I broke up with someone over a year ago. It was long distance and I got jealous. She had stopped calling, or so it seemed, and I was going through a recent layoff and a housing crisis, and with all that stress I wasn't thinking clearly and broke it off via text. I felt SO guilty afterward. I apologized profusely for how I broke up (text is so impersonal, but I felt I had no other option since she wasn't answering the phone or responding to anything else). It took me over a year to stop beating myself up and apologizing. I still feel a little bit of guilt about it, but I realize that I did what I felt I had to do at that time. I hear through a mutual friend that she's fine now which took away some of the guilt. No, I don't think so much of myself, like I was some sort of catch that she'd never recover from, just I felt so horrible for how I did it.

Posted by: Jake on December 28, 2007 11:08 PM

Ouch - yes, guilt hurts a lot.
Just four days ago I broke up with my live-in boyfriend of three years. We were in the process of buying a house together. I think that very intense reality snapped me into movement, realizing that I needed to act on something I had been considering seriously for a year.

I was in no way prepared for how difficult it would be. The act of breaking up (it was a total shock to my boyfriend) was horrendous, and now this period of moving out and basically losing a best friend. I cry uncontrollably and am even doubting I made the right decision because of how painful this is. I think guilt plays a big part in bringing about that questioning - the fact that a choice I made is hurting someone I still deeply care about is something I have a hard time forgiving myself for. I also question if I could have done it in a different way to kindof ease into it. In the end, it is knowing that he is hurting, and my fault, that kills me.

Posted by: gira on February 11, 2008 5:29 PM

I broke up with my fiance a couple of weeks ago. The guilt has been so overwhelming. As we got more immersed in the wedding planning i would find myself passively acting out-not finding the right invitations, or wedding hall, not being able to pick a location for the wedding....

We get along so well-best friends. But, there were some core issues that i could no longer ignore. And there was a voice inside me that kept saying "No" though he is wonderful person and i still love him dearly.

I have been on an emotional roller-coaster-especially after telling my parents and friends. My parents especially were upset since i am 30-something (time to settle down) and they really liked him.

I am just trying to be kind to myself-and remember that i am trying to be as honest as possible. AS i really looked internally I saw that I could not go further in the relationship with marriage and children. It takes courage to end a relationship this far in.

Since we live together in the same house-it is going to be harder since we see each other everyday and he is determined that we try again.

It helps, though, to read these posts. I would encourage others in this kind of situation to post comments as it gives me some strength to know there are others out there.

Posted by: Mauree on March 11, 2008 4:34 PM

Hello All,

About 9 months ago, I broke off a 8.5 year relationship that was the best of my life. Nothing terrible happened, but we were just unable to move to the next level (marriage & kids) and as we are both in our 30s it was best to seperate and try to build new lives that could go to that next level. She was and still is my very best friend. The guilt is often overwhelming. She has already dated, but things haven't worked out and I feel like I cannot move forward until I know she has happily moved on. I know that is irrational, but I can't help it. We are still close and she calls me when she feels lost or lonely. Though so many people say it is unhealthy, I HAVE to be there for her. She's my best friend. I can't just abandon her completely.

I pray daily that she meets someone new and better than me so she can move into the next phase in her life happily.

As for me, I've had zero interest in any new women. I don't know if I have the strength to fall in love just to watch so many dreams crumble away again.
Leaving the person I've loved the most is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. My guilt is bourne from all the promises I made that I tried my best, but couldn't keep. I feel like the relationship failed because I didn't try hard enough - even though I know that isn't true.
I've heard painful breakups takes years to fully recover from. I'm fine with that as long as it's true. Anyway, that's what I'm going through.

Best to everyone out there who is going through something similar.

Posted by: Danny on April 14, 2008 9:31 PM

Dear Danny

Thank you for your sharing your feelings and what it has been like for to end a significant relationship.

You do have deep feelings for your ex-partner that may always be there, but there was another part of you that knew that the relationship must end so you acted on your deeper knowing. It is very difficult to let go, even when you know it is the right thing to do. It requires you to hang out in an unknown space, and trust that another relationships is in your future.

The question you may ask yourself is, " why do I lack the trust that there is someone out there for me as well as my ex-partner. This usually has something to do with our sense of worthiness and self-esteem.
Try to see your ex-partner as capable of finding her way, instead of seeing her as a "victim" and helpless. If you do you will not feel such pain and guilt over having ended the relationship.
There are no accidents all relationships lead down a path with a purpose. It took courage for you to end the relationship. It sounds like it ended it with integrity. The best gift we can give others is our honesty and compassion. Give compassion to yourself and honor yourself for the courage it took to move on in spite of how difficult it was. Review the gifts you have given eachother, and bless eachother as you continue your journey. This will help you move on.

Posted by: MicheleGermain on April 15, 2008 10:50 AM

I broke off my engagement with a girl id been with for only about 8 months.The reason we split was due to her being deeply insecure and jealous.I never cheated on her but she always doubted me which put massive strain on our relationship,so much so that i had to end it.I feel guilty for 2 reasons-firstly because i broke off our wedding,i know she was looking so forward to it,her family had paid deposits etc.I feel awful for again being another man in her life who has let her down (men letting her down being the reason for her insecurities in the first place)second reason for my guilt is the fact that ive walked out on our young dog.It sounds ridiculous but i cant help but feel he'll be wondering where i am and feel like ive abandoned him for some reason.If i knew my ex had met someone new and was happy and if i knew my dog was happy then id be ok.I know in my heart ive done the right thing,i just hate having hurt her.Shes been nasty and spiteful since the break up and although it sounds like that should make it easier for me-it isnt.I know that the reason for her anger is because shes hurting.I hope this feeling of guilt passes!!

Posted by: DR on April 24, 2008 9:43 PM

We cannot live in a world without making decisions. We make these decision based on what we know about ourselves at the time, and what we think is best.
Guilt is a feeling of self-condemnation that we experience after we do something we think is wrong. It keeps us stuck and affects our self esteem and confidence. It usually covers up feelings of sadness or anger, and prohibits growth.
It sounds like you were having doubt as she was doubting your loyalty. (And, I suspect other things as well were going on that each of you were not aware of.) And this you felt could not be worked out, so you were honest with her. Honesty, is what a healthy relationship is based on, and it can hurt others.

You, can feel sad that she is hurting, but you do not have to take responsiblity for her pain.
You have your own grief work to do even though you were the one that initiated the ending. So feel you own sadness and/or anger and you will no longer feel the guilt. Do not condem or punish yourself for doing what you thought is best.

Acknowledge the gifts you have received from this relationships and learn what you need to do differently in your next relationship. This will help you to let go and move on. She will have to do her own individually grief work the best way she can. And maybe someday she can acknowledge the gifts you have given her.

Posted by: Michele Germain L.C.S.W. on April 27, 2008 5:37 PM

I recently broke up with my girlfriend of almost four years. I am 24 and she is 26. We are best friends and have what I think is a soul-mate relationship. I have been struggling with anxiety around the relationship for the past 6 months, feeling trapped between losing my best friend/love of my life and losing myself. She was incredibly tolerant of my need for growth. This was my first serious relationship and there were many times where I felt that I needed time to experience life on my own before giving myself to a committed relationship. Yet, I realized that no amount of understanding and support from her or counseling from friends, family and therapists could "cure" this desire to be free.

So, it ended. She knew what was going on for the past six months and we both fought for my healing while maintaining the relationship. But the reality was, the relationship could not sustain itself with how I was feeling. I am heart broken. I am also relieved and excited to have time to myself. I am also overwhelmed with what I have taken away from her as well as with the sadness of ending something I saw blossoming into a beautiful life together. I have not let go of these feelings and dreams and it has made it incredibly difficult to really feel separate from her while holding on to them. I don't know how to move on when I still feel that we can make it work once I have had more life experience. Yet, I also know that it is unfair for her to wait for me through this. I don't want to actively push away really strong feelings for our future together or say goodbye to a love that we have worked so hard to cultivate. I want to say goodbye to my old struggling self that needed more time to grow before being with someone. The breakup is more about my need to grow than a problem with our connection or a loss of love. Please let me know if you have any thoughts.

Posted by: Adam on May 13, 2008 1:02 PM

Hi, I am in the beginning of a breakup. We have been together for 10 years. We have had ups and downs as normal. We had broken up once before like 4 years ago but got back together. We both have not been happy for some time now but we kept holding on but today it came to a head, no arguing, no fussing just honest talk , that this should end because its not working. I feel INCREDIBLE guilt even though deep down inside I have wanted out for some time now but didnt want to hurt him or seem to selfish in wanting to leave. He is a good person and loves me deeply. I feel so much guilt because I know how much he loves me and I love him to but dont feel I am IN love with him ( whatever that means if anything) I have always felt a lack of passion in our relationship. We moved extremely fast when we first met. We were living with each other within the first year and he was telling me he loved soon after we met. We have a really cool times but also a lot of bad times but all in all I think we can happier apart even though it hurts so bad just coming out and telling that truth. You question yourself if your even making the right decision or making a hasty decision. There is no cheating or anything majorily bad happening but we have just been going through the motions and not genuinly happy and finally today just admitted that. It is hurting pretty bad now , cause I dont want to hurt, i dont want him to hurt but I guess it is inevitable

Posted by: Thai on May 31, 2008 7:39 PM

Thank you for writing your thoughts and sharing your process with others. It sounds like you both have come to a deeper knowing that ending this relationship is for your highest good.

Endings and "letting go" of a relationship even though it is what we want is still very difficult. IN fact most people stay together because being in a unhappy relaitonship is easier than letting go. You both have courage to be honest and go into the grief that endings bring on. Feel your sadness and all the feelings that you have. Give yourself time to heal. ANd do no play the who is guilty who is innocent game. Feeling guilty and selfish because we are being honest and saying 'no' usually comes from childhood. As adults we must be responsible for our own choices and own decision. You must live your life the best way you can and know one knows that better than you.

Prepare a ritual for your ending. Do this with eachother or by yourself. Go to dinner, write down the gifts you each have received from the other in the relationship and bless eachother as you go forward on your path. If he cannot participate in this, do it by yourself or with a friend. Do not be afraid to feel the sadness, but please let go of the guilt. It will keep you depressed, make you feel unloved and cause you to carry self-blame into your next relationship.
Learn your lessons, ask yourself questions and explore what you now know you want in your next relatinship.

If you feel your loss and go through the healing process you will be ready and open to enter another relationship. Do not carry this guilt along with you on your path. It will only weigh you down. Cry instead of feeling guilty and you will heal.

Posted by: Michele Germain on June 2, 2008 10:10 AM

I broke up with my boyfriend of many years after meeting someone else. It was the hardest decision I've ever made. I couldn't imagine not being with this person that I really loved, who had loved me and was my best friend. Something just woke up in me in meeting the new man about long buried dreams and needs that weren't fulfilled in the relationship. I had hoped my ex and I could stay friends, and we tried, but two years later he is still in much pain and I miss him terribly, even though I'm happy in my new relationship. I have so much quilt. Not just about "dumping" him suddenly for another guy, but for leaving him at a difficult time in his life when he was dealing with a lot of loss. For not talking through things sooner and more directly.

Posted by: KH on June 29, 2008 2:09 AM

Thank you for your comment. Guilt can be a heavy burden to carry around, and may keep you from fully being present in your now primary relationship. In fact, consider that you may be keeping yourself from fully surrendering to this new relationship by obsessing about your past.

Do not see your "ex" as a victim even though he is struggling with his loss. Reframe the way you talk about the event. Instead of stating that your "dumped" him, try telling yourself, "with much difficulty I chose to end a relationship that what meaningful because I new staying would not be what is best for me".
I know you have lost a good friend, but your honesty with yourself and others is most
important for any relationship to survive

Posted by: Michele Germain L.C.S.W. on June 30, 2008 11:20 AM

I can relate to the guilt many people have expressed here. I too am going through a break up where I ended a 1 year relationship with a special guy quite suddenly. I've always had doubts about how I felt about him and we had some pretty rocky times in the beginning. But I didn't want to give up so soon and thought he deserved a chance. He is the first man who told me "I love you" and he's the first man I said "I love you" to as well. Though I did love him and we were the best of friends I still couldn't look past certain things, like possible emotional manipulation, and felt it was best to cut things off rather than lead him on for another year. At times I feel like this is just how relationships go. We are trying to figure out who we are compatible with. Other times I feel so guilty since he fell madly in love with me and truly trusted in our relationship. My guilt includes thoughts that maybe I was too sensitive or afraid of commitment. Sometimes I think I was looking for too much perfection or was unwilling to work on a relationship. After all, I felt so comfortable with him and we were in tuned to each others strange sense of humor, etc. (As I read this it sounds like am beating myself up, yes)? Anyhow, I thought others might be experiencing similar doubts and thoughts in addition to the guilt of hurting the other person.

Posted by: NF on August 12, 2008 10:08 PM

It is common to feel some doubt as you end a relationship. Especially, if you are the one to initiate the ending. But, you must trust your intuition. We all like to be in our comfort level, and sometimes staying in a relationship that is not quite the right fit can be easier than moving on. It is difficult to trust that there is someone more compatible for you. You may have seen qualities that you loved in him, which were the parts of him you feel in love with. But, as you mentioned there are qualities that you could not accept and knew could not live with long term. (You were smart enough to know that you cannot change anyone. You must accept them as they are. ) Only you know what is right and what will work for you long term.

As I have said so many times. Being honest in a relationship with ourselves is most important. Your ex-partner may be hurt by your decision, but he would be more hurt if you chose to stay in a relationship and could not give him all the love he deserved because you were unhappy and could not accept him fully.

Trust yourself, as you move forward. Let go of the guilt and know that you must live your life from your authentic self and follow your inner wisdom. Your guilt will keep you from grieving your own pain. So instead of guilt, feel your own sadness, anger, fear etc. You will be doing your healing and be open for your next relatioship.

Posted by: Michele Germain L.C.S.W. on August 21, 2008 9:05 AM

I broke up with my girlfriend of 1.5 years and felt an extreme amount of guilt just like so many have described in this thread. There had been dependency issues that I had decided were too severe between the two of us for us to be able to have a mutually beneficial relationship. But after about 7 months of the guilt not subsiding I was convinced that it had been the wrong decision and that Id never find someone who was as good to me as she was. So I asked her to take me back. She said yes right away, and instead of taking things slowly we dove right back into the way things had been just prior to the break up. It only took a few weeks until I realized I was also feeling the same way I had just prior to the break up.

Because I feared she would be disappointed or paranoid of another break up, I avoided confrontation at all costs and found myself constantly pretending to be someone I wasnt. And because this was such a glaring injustice to her, I eventually yet again made the decision to break it off. And now the guilt is significantly worse. And this is largely because what I did was so obviously and more objectively wrong and cruel to her.

Anyway, the purpose of this post is to advise anyone who is considering rekindling a relationship with someone with whom they broke up while still feeling guilty about it NOT TO DO IT! This seems like a no brainer, but when you're in the situation it will be much easier than you think to lie to yourself and tell yourself that the guilt is not playing a role in your desire to get back together. But if it is there in any slightly significant form, I can tell you that it IS playing a role. And it is poisonous. She even said to me... the first time I couldnt be angry with you because I understood it was just something you had to do... but now I know you're an asshole.

So there is the other message, if you're feeling guilty about a break up, realize that the person with whom you've broken up is probably holding you much less responsible for their sadness than you think. Guilt gives us an unrealistically negative view of our actions. Try not to let it do that to you.

Posted by: J on September 18, 2008 2:50 PM

Hi it has been amazing reading that so many others are going through similiar feelings. I ended our marriage after 17 yrs, 4 children and some good yet difficult times together. He was an amzing husband in some respects good provider and so in love with me I often wonder if anyone can ever love me the same again. I have felt the most overwhelming guilt over the break up,over a year ago, sometimes when i become paticularily upset i feel i cant breath. The teenageers have gone a bit of track since split, dabbling in alcohol with friends, swearing etc. and ex has gone from a sober man to heavy drinker, smoker, dabbles in drugs with his family and goes from house to house sleeping where he can. He was hardworking and took great pride in his job, now he is unemployed and unreliable. I feel overwhelming guilt that i have caused he and the children to become this way from the marriage break up i feel i have destroyed him, he looks so old, unkept and sad now it breaks my heart thinking i have done this to him and that if we had stayed together even though he was emotionally controlling, jealous and verbally abusive a bit at times the rest of the time he was so good and loving. i did it 4 myself and children but now i feeel perhaps i have destroyed them all. Sorry if this upsets anyone.

Posted by: amanda on September 30, 2008 2:40 PM

Dear J.

I can see that you are in the grieving process. It does not matter who initiates the breakup, a greif reaction does occur. Yes, it is not uncommon to feel guilt, especially if you have been the one to initiate the breakup. Guilt is usually a cover up for other feelings, such as anger, over having to make a difficult decision, not getting your needs met during the relationship, feeling cheated etc. Sadness is a natural response to a loss even if you are the initiator.

Keep in mind that you do not have the power to save or destroy anyone. Your ex-husband is making choices that he alone is responsible for, in terms of how he handles this loss. As adults we each must be responsible for our own decision and choices and how we go forward following such a loss.

Your children are also experiencing a loss and it is not unusal for adolescence to act out. It is important that you help your children identify their feelings and give them an opportunity to feel angry and sad. But, also tell them that there is appropriate and inappropriate ways to handle feelings.

The difficulty in breathing can be a result of feelings stuck in the body, the breathing tightens to keep the feelings from flowing out.
Try and let yourself cry and when you feel difficulty with breathing try to pause and ask yourself what you feel inside. Scared, sad, angry etc. Once you name the feeling the breathing should get easier.

When guilt comes up, let it come up and as you would a upset child give yourself love. Give love to the guilt. We are often taught as children that we are responsible for others happiness; and guilt then is a byproduct of that message. We must be able to honor ourselves and do what is in our highest good. We can only be responsible for ourselves not our partners.

So bring love to the guilt when it comes up. And feel your sadness or anger instead. Guilt will also be a weapon your children will use against you if you continue to carrry it in your mind and body. They will know you feel guilty and use that to get their way or act out more of their feelings. If you carry the gult around, as mothers and fathers we tend to overcompoensate and overgive or overindulge our children to make up for what we think we have done wrong.

I hope this was helpful, that you for sharing your experience.

Posted by: Michele Germain L.C.S.W> on October 1, 2008 2:30 AM

I recently broke up with my fiance, and have been having a really hard time with it. I did not make the decision lightly. Now I am overcome by the guilt of the situation. She is a good woman, but there where issues, and I felt like she did not take them very seriously when I would mention them. I keep thinking of her crying and asking me over and over to reconsider. Then I ask myself wouldn't I have wanted the same?? I have met a wonderful woman, and she treats me great, but I feel like the guilt of my past relationship id holding me back from giving my all to this new relationship. I wish I could just let things go, but I keep having dreams about the situation. I accually talked to her a few days ago. She sounds good. I guess I just miss what we had. Any advice would be appreciated.

Posted by: John on October 2, 2008 5:53 PM

I just ended a relationsip of one and one-half years. I still care about this person. I have been wrestling with feelings of guilt because she quit her job and sold many of her posessions to live with me (we had been dating 7 months). Almost as soon as she got here though, it became clear that the relationship had no real foundation. The arguments started, and respect broke down almost immediately. We weren't commited to each other out of love, but because she was now financially dependent on me (she has alot of bills too). I also think she has some void in her life (e.g. a neglectful father) that she somehow thought this relationship would fill. I felt like all of the emotional resources that we have between us were sucked up by her issues. I do care for her, I just know there was no integrity in the relationship. If I had more experience dating I would have seen it before she moved here too, so I also feel guilty because I failed to see that we weren't really compatible. There is a site you should really visit. It's called "the case against marriage." I know... you may disagree with the author and think that marriage really is something special and sublime, but really you should just consider the author's perspective on relationships, and maybe some of it will clear things up for you. Maybe some portion of this will make you see that sometimes a relationship is just not right.

http://www.familycourtchronicles.com/marriage/introduction/#body

Posted by: Patrick on October 9, 2008 12:50 PM

I ended my relationship with my fiance 5 months ago. We were together for 4 years and sacrificed a lot to be together. We had a good relationship, rarely fought, and were in the process of buying a house together (we had been living together for 3 years). I suffer from anxiety and depression, and he was always there for me, which is a lot of the reason for my guilt. We made it through a lot of difficult times together and planned to be together forever. There were personality conflicts though that I had tried to overlook for a long time and I guess the stress of marriage, kids, and a house together in the future was just too much for me to take. I hurt him so bad when I left; he didn't expect it at all. We were best friends and everything to each other. I wanted to be his friend so badly after it ended because I still love him but he hasn't returned my phone calls in about a month. I don't know if he has tried to move on (that's what I want for him) or if he is still suffering from our loss. I can't get over this guilt. It plagues me everyday. How can I stop feeling this horrible about walking away from my best friend?

Posted by: Kristin on October 13, 2008 9:15 PM

Dear Kristin

It is not easy to transform a intimate romantic relationship into a friendship.
Your ex-partner is still grieving and probably at this time cannot connect with you in the way you desire. Maybe in the future. So for now let go of the desire to be his friend and grieve your own loss.

There are good things in your relationship and some of your needs, especially for friendship were met. But, when we are talking about a long-term marriage or relationship where we put our ives together in many ways, it is important to feel that deep inside yourself as what is right. Obviously, you did not believe that the two of you could walk that path together. So, trust your decision and let yourself be sad about your loss.

Also,Journal and write about all the gifts you received from him, and all the gifts you believe you have given him. This will help you to see that you both exchanged gifts and helped eachother along the path however short it was.

Journal and talk about your sadness, and connect with your own inner child who may believe that you will not get those needs met by anyone else.

Sometimes because of our personal history we can feel like we are wrong for putting ourself first and honoring what we feel. This is what you did, you honored what you felt was right for you, you had no intention to do harm to your ex-partner even though he is in grief.

This is what you must focus on now. Pray or send him postiive thoughts for his happiness, when the guilty feelings come up, that will be better use of your mental energy. And be loving to yourself. Sometimes it is very difficult to do the right thing.

Posted by: Michele Germain L.C.S.W. on October 14, 2008 4:26 AM

Dear Kristin

It is not easy to transform a intimate romantic relationship into a friendship.
Your ex-partner is still grieving and probably at this time cannot connect with you in the way you desire. Maybe in the future. So for now let go of the desire to be his friend and grieve your own loss.

There are good things in your relationship and some of your needs, especially for friendship were met. But, when we are talking about a long-term marriage or relationship where we put our ives together in many ways, it is important to feel that deep inside yourself as what is right. Obviously, you did not believe that the two of you could walk that path together. So, trust your decision and let yourself be sad about your loss.

Also,Journal and write about all the gifts you received from him, and all the gifts you believe you have given him. This will help you to see that you both exchanged gifts and helped eachother along the path however short it was.

Journal and talk about your sadness, and connect with your own inner child who may believe that you will not get those needs met by anyone else.

Sometimes because of our personal history we can feel like we are wrong for putting ourself first and honoring what we feel. This is what you did, you honored what you felt was right for you, you had no intention to do harm to your ex-partner even though he is in grief.

This is what you must focus on now. Pray or send him postiive thoughts for his happiness, when the guilty feelings come up, that will be better use of your mental energy. And be loving to yourself. Sometimes it is very difficult to do the right thing.

Posted by: Michele Germain L.C.S.W. on October 14, 2008 4:26 AM

I left my husband of 25 years over ten months ago, things had not been right for 10 years but i stayed for our 2 children who needed both parents through their school years. He was a good provider but did not give any love or affection or sympathy in the 25 years we were together. All his needs were met but mine never were until i became so depressed i didnt want to live anymore. I told him this on several occasions and asked him if we could change our lives now the children were older and have some quanlity time for us but he would rather work 6 days a week 51 weeks a year than listen to me. Things came to a head after xmas last year and i had to get out. He is now a broken man doesnt know where to turn is lonely although the children stay with him half the week, he is not helping himself get over things and wants to keep in touch with me but any move i make in my life upsets him and i feel so guilty if i appear happy and he is not, the children say he just mopes about all the time and wont go out, i cant get rid of the feeling of guilt, i did think of going back to make them all happy, one person out of four unhappy, but my friends talked me out of it, i just want to dump the guilt and move on with my life, please help me get over this.

Posted by: Maureen on October 16, 2008 8:54 AM

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. After having a long distance relationship we decided to move in together last year. Our relationship seemed like it was going in the right direction since we never fought, but something deep inside of me told me differently. Since the beginning of our relationship, I felt like I was always sacrificing everything I wanted to accomplish in the hopes that it would help our relationship. Upon moving in together, my boyfriend entered into medical school at age 28 even though I had already finished school. I started to feel resentment towards him since he seemed to be doing everything he wanted to do, but I was stuck waiting for him to finish school. One day a couple of weeks ago I woke up and decided that I felt trapped. I started crying and told my boyfriend that I wanted to move out west. So now I am living out west and am happier than I've been in years, but I am feeling totally guilty. My ex keeps calling me to ask me to reconsider. I feel like I'm acting cold-heartedly when I tell him it's over and I never want to come back. How do I get over these feelings of guilt, especially when he thinks my decision came on so suddenly?

Posted by: Devon on October 29, 2008 4:14 PM

Dear Maureen
Being truthful to ourselves and to others, shows respect. Respect for yourself and respect for him. Your honesty is important. If you do not want to return to the relationship you should say so. You "ex" needs to understand where you are emotionally, so he can move on with his life. Sending double messages because you don't want to hurt him will only develop more pain for both of you.

There is a lesson in this relationship for you. Make sure you ask yourself the questions and explore what you have learned and what you need to do differently so you do not feel trapped in any relationship that you are in.

You must honor yourself while you are in a relationship with someone. This requires that you communicate, understand what your personal needs are and be able to act on them, and not blame the other because you are unfullfilled. The question you may need to ask yourself,"Did I give up too much of myself for the sake of the relationship". This is something you must not carry into your next relatinship. You alone know when you are overcompensating and overgiving and you alone can change this. This is not the job of any partner.

Good luck in your new life and keep listening to your body and your heart.

Posted by: .Michele Germain L.C.S.W. on November 11, 2008 2:04 PM

I just yesterday broke off an almost two year relationship with my fiance. I love him dearly but just felt that within our own cores we were very different people who wanted different things. I have been feeling tremendous guilt about this, not only because I'm the one who did the breaking up, but also because in February, he was diagnosed with delayed onset combat related PTSD (he served in Afghanistan before I knew him). We've had some very tough times since then and I've sacrificed so much to get him to the point he is at now. I think that going through the process allowed my fiance to become his own true person, either bringing out things he was repressing or redefining who he is. He asked me today if I was positive about my decision and I told him "What's done is done." I just want to make sure that I'm being strong enough. I've felt very ambivalent toward the relationship for the past two months and have been on an emotional rollercoaster since August. We've tried counseling and I even almost moved out once before. I finally decided to do something about my thoughts of breaking it off and read the bood "Too good to leave, Too bad to stay." I think it really helped me confirm what I knew to be true in my heart, but now I feel as if I've acted in haste. I know I made the right decision and my friends and family consistently remind me of my late night tearful phone calls and visits from three hours away when I was thinking of moving out. I just want to know how best to deal with this guilt right now. I feel like if I go back, maybe things will work out but now reading these posts, I feel like a little better about my situation. He is a strong man and I know he will move on. We want to remain friends but I don't know if that's possible.

Posted by: Lindsay on November 24, 2008 4:07 PM

I have been feeling the weight of guilt for many years. I remember trying to break up with my husband after a year of dating when I saw the way he treated and talked to his family and said I won't be that person down the road.

We were married for nearly a decade, some good times and some very bad times. He took exceedingly good care of me and wanted me to be an at home mom to our son as much as I did. He always worked 6-7 days a week which was fine as we are polar opposites and I am pretty independent.

After some bouts of depression and anxiety and never feeling like I measure up I moved to another room in our home and eventually lived as strangers separately in the same house.

He moved out and we've gone through this roller coaster never ending saga of getting back together and being apart.

I filed for legal separation when he demanded I use my credit card to get an advance again and to get child support/spousal support- when I did not work and did not have $20 to put gas in the car or to pay the two mortgages on our house.

I have some moral problem in my head about the D word, have trouble even saying it. I cannot stand the word X and never use is ever.

I got an attorney that was recommended by a marriage counselor that he hated that told me "privileged " things the other attorney told him about my husband blowing money in Las Vegas on girls and who knows what else.- Who knows if that was true and after I head that I changed the papers to dissolution. After months and months of putting off finalizing anything I wound up in court where a judge finalized the end of my marriage. What I did not know at the time was that it was FINAL that day, I walked out thinking I had 6 months to decide. I wrote a letter to the attorney telling him I was NOT informed of that important fact and said do not charge me for reading this letter. HE charged me over $1400 for that awful day.
MY former husband does not believe me to this day and holds it over my head when he is mad at me- that it is all my fault and that I just play the victim. When I realized it was final and that was not and never what I wanted I begged him to take me back about a month later- before he'd even talk to me.

As long as I do not rock the boat we'd get along fine but the tip of the iceberg of anger is always there and I am at fault for worsening his already crumbling finances.

For years we had taboo subjects on money and financial matters and he does not pay taxes. Bottom line then and now is that he cannot/ will not live within his means. Since we separated 4 years ago he has been been fired three times after having a great career at one company for 11 years, and has become a heavy drinker at night and heavy smoker despite our son having asthma.

He blames me for all the bad things in his life/ that I took it all away and every time we get back together to be a family, underlying the pretty picture is a mountain of resentment and anger for both of us. I am unsure why I keep thinking things will be different or change but I like an insane person keep trying. I do not command a tenth of the income he does so I count on child support from him. I hear a recording running in my head from comments my mom made " you don't make enough money to get by on your own without that cushion of support". I feel like I am always trying to seek approval from him and he is nicer to strangers / waitresses/ anyone but me.

I wonder if there is anyone out there like me in this sort of situation. I do not date, I have not dated anyone since I separated from my husband and put my son first.

He has seemed to have no trouble sleeping with/ seeing / whatever he calls it with other girls. That is so hard because infidelity was not the reason for me to go down the road of separation.

When my son goes with his dad, I feel so left out. This has been going on for so long I just wonder when I will be able to move on. Probably since I still think someday it will work out.

Posted by: Jennifer on December 8, 2008 11:34 PM

Dear Jennifer

I hear the emotional pain that you have as you described your long difficult relationships. The most important thing for you to do now is to heal yourself. First start with reclaiming your worthiness as a person and improve your self-esteem. You have taken on the whole responsibility of the conflicts and problems in the relationship, because you ex-husband does not want to accept responsibility for his part of the conflicts.

Your job is not to "fix" him or "help him heal", but to let go and begin to heal yourself so you can move on with your life.

Go inside and seek out your own spiritual connection and ask for guidance on how to forgive yourself and to love yourself again. You deserve a man in your life who will love you and cherish you, but you must begin to love and cherish yourself first.

It is very diffiuclt to let go of something we believe we need. Ask yourself what is it that I need now in my life? What will make me happy?
How can I make myself happy? What are my gifts?
What are the things I give to others?

Keep searching and asking yourself the question, even if the answers do not come so easily. The questions are what is important now.

Seek out people who will support you and give your positive regard. Also, it would be helpful to find a on-going support group. Follow your heart ask for diretion and spiritual let yourself be led to the places, people and situations that will best serve you.

I send much support and light as you continue your journey.

Posted by: Michele Germain on December 11, 2008 11:27 AM

I broke up with my girlfriend of almost two years back in May. Even though the relationship ended then, we slept together a few times over the next couple of months. I then kissed another woman at a party and didn't have the heart to lie to my ex-girlfriend about it. She was devastated because she thought there was still a good chance that we'd get back together. I immediately told the woman from the party that we couldn't continue anything because it was too painful for my ex-girlfriend. From that point on I haven't so much as kissed my ex-girlfriend, but remained very close friends. Even though I wasn't inclined to continue a relationship, I still care a lot about my ex-girlfriend.

So my ex-girlfriend and I continued to be friends for several months, but I was always aware that she still wanted more. I thought I was ready to start dating again, and I met a nice girl about two months ago. We dated for about a month, but I felt so guilty about my ex-girlfriend that I had a panic attack and frequent anxiety. I began to question whether I really was ready to date again and if I had made the right decision to break up with my ex. I called things off with the new girl and told my ex that I was very confused about my feelings.

Since then I have been in infrequent contact with my ex-girlfriend, and I feel more confident in my original decision to break up with her. I'm also having second thoughts about calling things off with the new girl that I met. I'm just so afraid of hurting anyone that I feel trapped and that any decision I make will be one that inevitably hurts someone else and probably myself. I know deep down inside that my ex and I are not right for each other, but I feel like I just need to give her more time to get over me before I start dating again, but if I take too much time, I'll blow any chance I have with the new girl.

Posted by: Tom on December 17, 2008 6:09 PM

Dear Tom

It seems like your confidence is growing in terms of your decision to end your relationship. The question to ask yourself is; "What Is This Anxiety Really About". I suspect it was not just guilt. It sounds like you are taking the full responsibility for the relationship not working out and you blame yourrself for being the cause of your ex-girlfrieds emotional pain.

If you are blaming yourself, then you may be punishing yourself by not letting yourself have fun and enter the dating world again. I suspect your anxiety and panic is part of the self-blame.

What are you telling yourself? Are you telling yourself you are bad, unworthy of dating and having a fullfilling relationship?

YOu must try to see that your decision was in your ex-girlfriends highest good as it is in yours. Staying in a relationship when you have so much doubt and are attracted to other women does not make for a healthy relationship.

Continue to go inside and ask yourself; What type of a reltionship do I want? What kind of a women am I attracted to, what are the qualities I admire in someone? WHat are my needs in a relationship? What did I learn in this past relatinship about myself that I did not know before? What now do I want in a longlasting relationship? The better you understand yourself the more successful you will be in your next relationship.

Let go of the guilt, keep asking yourself the questions even though you do not have the answers. They will come.

Also, when you start dating or if you are in a relationship presently, let that person know what kind of a relationship you are looking for. If you are not completely over your ex-girlfriend, do not talk about her to your dates but know that you will need time before you can become really committed to someone else.

You deserve to be happy as your ex-girlfriend does as well. When you feel guilt, just send light and good thoughts to yourself and to her.

Go slow in your dating and keep checking in by asking yourself how you are feeling about the relationship. This is just a good practice to get into.

Posted by: Michele Germain on December 26, 2008 5:20 PM

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 8 years last night. We live together, in his house, and I am in the process of getting ready to move. Like everyone else, the guilt I am experiencing is UNBEARABLE. Luckily, we weren't engaged and we didn't have kids, but we do have a 7-month old Golden retriever. I literally burst into tears every time he looks up at me with those big brown eyes, wondering why I'm packing all my stuff. My guilt is terrible because there is someone else. Someone that I've always been in love with, who makes me feel the things I dreamed of as a little girl. I feel so incredibly selfish for causing so much pain to someone else just so that I can be happier. It is the hardest thing I've ever done. I am second-guessing myself like crazy because our life is so comfortable and even happy. But, deep down, I know that we are merely best friends. We would end up in a sexless marriage - in fact, we are already there. Just not married yet. I love him with all my heart, but the passion is gone - it was barely there to begin with. Reading other posts has helped me a lot, so I figured I would post my story. I can barely think about the other guy right now. Definitely going to take some time to work through this breakup before jumping in. At first, it did feel like I wanted to leave because of the other guy, but now I realize that the other guy coming around and offering me a different life, was merely a catalyst for me to finally end a relationship that had me wondering... "I guess this is it???" with a sigh.

Posted by: MV on December 31, 2008 11:55 AM

MV, I am in your exact situation, sort of minus the someone else. I've been 8.5 years with my boyfriend. I told him last week that I wanted to move out. I vary between the huge guilt I have for hurting him and excitement for what will be a new beginning for me. It's so scary and weird to be leaving someone I've loved for so long. I keep saying to myself, it's for the best, but I just feel so horrible for all the hurt. And sometimes my guilt makes me wonder if I'm making the right decision by leaving. I know in time that I will heal and so will he. It's just so sad. Anyway, just wanted to say I know how you feel. Take care.

Posted by: Monny on January 22, 2009 4:19 PM

I broke up with my boyfriend of two years 3 days ago. He'd moved to another city for me 6 months ago and we were living together. Everything was going really nicely and he became friends with my friends and joined in all my social activities. I realized a couple of months ago though that I didn't think he was the one for me forever and pretending that I did feel that way became more and more difficult. I don't know why I feel that he's not right, he's wonderful and makes me so happy and I have a great time with him but I just didn't feel excited by our relationship or future. I finally felt like too much of a fraud and broke up with him. It took him completely off guard and he is devastated that he is not only losing his girlfriend/bestfriend/hopes and dreams for the future, but also his place to live, his friends, his social life etc. He has nothing left other than his job and unfortunately can't go back to where he moved from b/c of job commitments. I feel like its so unfair of me to have taken so much from him so that I can potentially be a little bit happier when I already was happy day to day. I destroyed my best friends world and not even for a reason I can put my finger on. All I want to do is tell him I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it at all and fix it for him. What I've done is so cruel and unfair, he was willing to do anything to make me happy and instead I took everything from him. Please help me reconcile how having done this can possibly be the right thing to do.

Posted by: Anne on March 7, 2009 11:48 AM

I broke up with my boyfriend of two years 3 days ago. He'd moved to another city for me 6 months ago and we were living together. Everything was going really nicely and he became friends with my friends and joined in all my social activities. I realized a couple of months ago though that I didn't think he was the one for me forever and pretending that I did feel that way became more and more difficult. I don't know why I feel that he's not right, he's wonderful and makes me so happy and I have a great time with him but I just didn't feel excited by our relationship or future. I finally felt like too much of a fraud and broke up with him. It took him completely off guard and he is devastated that he is not only losing his girlfriend/bestfriend/hopes and dreams for the future, but also his place to live, his friends, his social life etc. He has nothing left other than his job and unfortunately can't go back to where he moved from b/c of job commitments. I feel like its so unfair of me to have taken so much from him so that I can potentially be a little bit happier when I already was happy day to day. I destroyed my best friends world and not even for a reason I can put my finger on. All I want to do is tell him I'm so sorry, I didn't mean it at all and fix it for him. What I've done is so cruel and unfair, he was willing to do anything to make me happy and instead I took everything from him. Please help me reconcile how having done this can possibly be the right thing to do.

Posted by: Anne on March 7, 2009 11:51 AM

Dear Anne

I hear a great deal of guilt and self blame as you share what you feel. You are saying, I am totally responsible for his pain and his life.
There is no question he may be going through some emotional pain and grief over this loss, but he has made his choices along the way as you have made yours.

You can let him know that you are sorry that things did not work out, and that you are strugging inside of yourself to find all the answers and to become more aware of yourself.

Many time, thoes who do not initiate the ending of a relationship, start to feel unworthy. It may be helpful for you to tell him that he deserves someone who is totally devoted as he has many gifts and qualites that are wonderful.
He may not be able to hear this, so you may want to put it in writing if it feels appropriate for you to do so. Check in with yourself and see if this feels right.

Then begin to ask yourself the questions:
"What do I need to do in order to accept my decision instead of causing myself so much pain". " What do I need to change inside myself to bring compassion and understanding instead of guilt". "What is the learning I need to understand in this realtionship". "What are the gifts I received in this relationship and what gift did I give to him.

Endings in relationships are as important as beginnings. You can only work your part, you cannot work his part. All you can do is send him love and light that he finds his way.

Relationship are journey of the soul and each relationhip brings us closer to our own soul, if you stop and go inside to learn what you need to learn to achieve greater awareness about yourself.

Blessings

Posted by: Michele Germain on March 8, 2009 11:04 AM

I broke up with my ex over 9 months ago now. We were together for 6.5 years and lived together for half of them. There was nothing "wrong" with our relationship, we had a good life together, we had fun and laughs, he was never mean or nasty, we hardly argued but I felt sad. For the 12 months before I broke up with my ex I was trying to help him understand the things that were important to me in a relationship and for the future. We just couldn't agree, we would try to compromise but I would always come out feeling like something was missing, that the direction I was heading with my ex would not make me happy deep down inside. A man who I had dated in school re-entred my life, we connected again, we became close friends, we talked about the sort of futures we each seperately wanted for ourselves and along the way I realised that, yes, there is someone else out there who wants what you want, who has the same values that you have. He helped me realise (indirectly) that I did not have to settle for second best or compromise my values in life, the things that I find so important (regarding marriage, children and relationships)are not unreasonable or unrealistic. I broke up with my ex very suddenly, I packed up my belongings and moved interstate, transferred with work within the space of a week. Inside I felt relived, that the descision to break up with my ex was one that was a long time coming and the right thing for me to do. I am now together and living with my sweetheart from school, I feel happy about the future, I feel like things are as they should be and sometimes that makes me feel guilt. At the time and the months following the breakup with my ex I would have bad dreams where my ex would be telling me how much I had hurt him and I would wake up crying. I felt guilty because I was "moving on so quickly", it was a hard thing to explain(justify)to some of my friends (even though inside I didn't feel I should give up another moment of my own happiness just because my ex might be upset that I was trying to pick up my life and move forward). Today I caught up with my ex's mum, we get along and it is the first time I have seen her in at least 10 months and the first time I have spoken to her since the breakup. I walked away feeling guilty for the hurt I had caused not just to my ex but to the family. I feel guilty for the pain I have cause even though I know that there is not much I can do about it. I hope that one day I will be able to sit down and talk to my ex about his feelings surrounding the breakup and my new relationship, I think I want to do this because I feel it will help me ease my guilt but I'm not really sure. I don't know what really brought me to find this website, I don't know how I ended up here writting this big post but I'm glad I did. I read MV's comment and I knew what she meant when she said "I guess this is it???" I just want her to know, that's not it. This has helped me realise that guilt is normal, that I'm not alone in my guilt. I hope that one day I will be able to really let it go.

Posted by: JMCM on March 12, 2009 12:13 AM

Dear JMCM

Writing out your feelings,thoughts and sharing is a healaing experience. A famous psychologist always said "you are only as sick as your secrets".

Guilt does not serve the healing process, but it is normal especially for the one who initiated the breakup.

This was a sudden move, but one you have been thinking about for awhile. Nonetheless, you are going through the loss and feeling the grief assoicated with leaving someone and somethings behind.

Your dreams are a way of processing the feelings. The speed of the move did not give you a chance to feel the loss and get some closure with this long term relatioship. You are now working at closure.

Write in your journal the gifts you received from your ex-partner as well as the gifts you gave. This will help you.

Also, tell yourself you deserve to be happy and you do not have to punish yourself with mental guilt because you left someone behind.

You can send him good thoughts and prayers that he finds his happiness. What is in your highest good is probably in his as well. He as well as you are responsible for your choices that you make in life. No one is responsible for the other. We must honor ourselves and listen to what is our truth.

Journal your feelings, write your ex-partner a letter, but do not send it. Tell him everything and anything. This will help with the closure. You are processing and it will help you be more fully present in your current relationship. Do not over process this with your new relationship it may not help you. But, do continue to process the thoughts, feelings with others or continue writing on this blog.

Many blessings to you
Michele Germain

Blessings
Michele Germain

Posted by: Michele Germain on March 13, 2009 3:38 PM

I am so glad that i saw this site. I broke up with my partner of 14 years almost two years ago. For many reasons, some of which I can now see were my fault, some his, I was very unhappy, and he had turned to alcoholism. We had argued and slept in separate bedrooms several times in the 14 years, but always I came around before and we got back together. But the final time I just couldn't take it any more, and I moved out. We had been sleeping apart for three months, and I had met someone that I liked. As I left my ex sat on the kitchen floor in tears and begged me not to leave. He literally fell apart, and I asked his brother to take care of him, but because of his alcoholism he had been such an erratic and angry person that his brother refused to look after him. And so for the past two years I have been trying to heal him and me. We were best friends, and i really want to continue to be there for him. He seems a little better now, and says that he is choosing to be happy. But he still asks me to marry him all the time. He still says that he loves me, and I still feel that i love him, so i still say i love you back. This has obviously had dire consequences for the relationship I could have had with the new someone i met - although they have been incredibly patient two years is a long time. I am wracked with guilt all the time and haven't known what to do with it - i'm waiting for counselling - maybe that will help. But it is helpful to know that I am not the only one finding it hard to let go - my friends (and the possible new partner) all say that i should stop talking to my ex and we should go separate ways. that sounds barbaric. but maybe it is the only way that we can both move on, which is what we really need to do i guess. How can you love someone so much and let them down?

Posted by: LP on March 22, 2009 5:08 PM

Dear JMCM

Fourteen years is a very long time. So you are still in the process of detaching. The guilt will keep you stuck. Make a list of the gifts you received and you gave in the reationship

You cannot fix anyone. Your ex-partner need professional help, maybe now he will seek the help he needs. All you can do for him is to send prayers and good thougts for his healing.

Know that you are entitled to be happy. Learn from your previous relationship the things that you need to change and release yourself of the selfblame. Ask yourself why you cannot let go?
Ask yourself if you deserve to be happy?
Ask yourself what you would be feeling if you were not feeling guilt?

Take one step at a time and let me know if I can be of any further help. Sometime talking once or twice to a professional can help you move through the process more quickly.

Blessings
Michele Germain L.C.S.W.
michele@michelegermain.com

Posted by: michele germain on April 6, 2009 11:14 AM

I am reading with astonishment that I am not the only one with lingering feelings of guilt over the break up of my three year relationship. We did love each other, but there were a lot of basic incompatibility issues from month one. Extravert to intravert. We had differences in everything from television, to hobbies, to friends. I love large groups and she was always happier when it was "family only".....so this usually left out my friends and relatives, with whom I had shared the last 13 years, extensively. She hated my style of music, and I hers, so traveling in an auto with the stereo going could cause some tension. She had an 8 year old daughter from another person, with abandonment issues, and she (Daughter) was very jealous of my romantic relationship with her mother. We initially moved way too fast, breakneck speed, in love at 3 weeks, pregnant at one month or so, living together shortly afterwards, or so it seemed. Fights would break out here and there, some involving the rudeness of her daughter towards me. Add to this her emotions on a rollercoaster from pregnancy hormones, and job related stessors, and it got volatile, at a time when we truly needed to bond. The new child's arrival started off nicely at the hospital, but on arrival home, there was a shouting match about her daughter's wanting to pick up the newborn at will. When I said "NO!" this caused a chain reaction of negativity. Then, attempting to live together, with each other's habits, and so forth (I am a gym rat, and all of a sudden, my regular for 20 years evening workout became a source of fighting)....shouting matches turned ugly, all of 2007, baby's 1st year. I tried to live with her, but at times, her depressing negativity, and the rudeness of her daughter, and our incompatibility became too much, so I would move out, back into my own place. Only to be told that I needed to move back in if things were going to work. Shouting and screaming contests over the phone became a regularity, though the summer, and into the fall and winter. Finally, she got upset that she got "no ring" for the Holidays, and this blew up in my face on a much needed vacation with her to Las Vegas, where we screamed hoarsley at each other in front of terrified tourists. (My money issues were starting to become problematic here)... I finally ended it upon arrival back at home, and went about getting on with my life, only to get hit with Child Support and a State Enforced Parenting Plan. I then attempted a last ditch effort to "make it" and told her to "keep her Child Support $$$) This started off well enough, but the Parenting Plan only worked if we were seperated, not trying to make it work. And then she told me of her new "rules" for getting the kids and herself to bed at 9pm every night (I worked swing shift at the time) so any semblance of a sex life we once had was now dead as a doornail. I would basically only see her for a scant few minutes at her job, or on Sunday afternoons and evenings, in which we would spend time together before she would unceremoniously toss me out at 9pm. 3 months into this I had a wedding reception and an Anniversary Party to people close to me. She REFUSED to go with me to the Wedding Reception, and threw attitude at the Anniversary Party, and would not dance with me, opting to dance with her daughter instead??!!. We had semi decent Holidays in the fall, and then for Christmas, again, semi decent, and we started fighting again, more or less for New Years, because she was again upset "no ring"....I dont remember much of January but things came to a head a week before Valentine's Day, over her accusing me of not cleaning up after her daughter (Purposely) after dinner one night, and I screamed at her for accusing me of this. This seemed to be the end, and she "wanted out" and let me know she had no interest in a reconciliation a couple of weeks later.

Part of me is VERY relieved that this stressful relationship is finally done, and the other half of me is guilty as hell. She seems amicable now, but seems to sometimes "hint" at wanting to get back. She went on a trip to Disneyland with the kids, and sent me a pen, giftwrapped with a little heart, which flooded me with guilt. She told my parents (Who watch baby while we work in the daytime) "I wish Victor was going to Disneyland with us, but we cannot seem to get along" downplaying our incompatibility. She is a good and kind person, deep down inside, and although she is clueless as to how to set proper boundaries with her daughter, is an awesome mommy. I feel guilty as hell for not being the perfect "daddy" to her little family part of which I helped create. But we cannot seem to enjoy a night out, a vacation, or even an evening of naked bliss together. I need a companion, not a stessor. I think I MAY have found one, in a woman I used to go to high school with. Guilt is preventing me from calling her for coffee. I know I need to get on with my life, as does she, but Guilt is the proverbial 500 pound gorilla on my shoulder.

Posted by: Victor F. on April 10, 2009 10:01 PM

Dear Victor

Your description of the relationship appears clear and you have underlined and pointed out that things went much too quickly. Do not judge yourself or your ex-partner for the speed at which things took place.

Now is the time to ask yourself what have you learned from this relationship. Relationships are a journey of our soul and you must learn from them as each holds a gift. Find your gift and what you learned and what you need to do differently in your next relationship.

Do not repeat your mistakes. Know that you cannot save, change or fix anyone. A relationship helps us to see ourselves and helps us to grow if we are in a place where we can see our issues and try to do things differently. But we must do this for ourself.

Your ex-partner may not of been able to see what she needed to do to help herself, her family and her relationship with you. And you may not of know how to communicate what you needed, and support her where you can, knowing that you could not change her or her behavior. Do not judge her or yourself for this. Counseling may of helped and still can to transistion into a friendship. If you choose this and she agrees.

It is important to tell yourself that you do deserve to be happy. Ask yourself what do you feel guilt about. Then ask yourself what would you be feeling if you were not feelings guilt.

Guilt hides our feelings of sadness, anger, fear, helplessnes. When you focus on these feelings your will move through the loss and be able to be with your new partner. Grief is always part of the healing no matter who initiates the separation.

Guilt will keep you stuck. It ususally comes from ones childhood where unintentionally parents make children feel like they have to be perfect to be loved or make children feel they are responsible for the parents feelings. Then as a adult we feel we have to fix others and it is our fault that they are feeling unhappy. See if this fits for you.

This is a time of healing for you. Guilt is self-punishing. So you must tell yourself you did the best you can. Then send your ex-partner all your good thoughts and prayers and best wishes.

Later you maybe able take part in the relationship on a friendhip basis. Now is the time to heal and release the guilt replacing it with compassion. Compassion for yourself and for your ex-partner. That is the healing energy.
If I can be of any further help please let me know
Michele Germain LCSW

Posted by: michele germain on April 11, 2009 11:48 AM

I think I have read every how to heal your broken heart story I can find. I have scoured book stores and the web to find a way to heal mine. I troll the self-help section like an addict looking for a cure. I know you’re supposed to treat yourself well, think positive, don’t medicate and use affirmations to tell yourself how wonderful you are. Be good to yourself all the experts say. Allow yourself to feel your feelings and share them with someone you can trust. If feelings of despair continue, seek professional help. And yet, here I sit, a little more than three years later with a pain as deep as a cavern. I have done all of these things and more. In the three years since I left my former partner, I have made an entire new network of friends. I have taken dance lessons – something I have always wanted to do…and yes, I even fell in love again and got married. So how is it that I am still in this time warp of painful heartache over my former life partner? We were together for 25 years – not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. Feel the sting of what the hurt must have felt like to her when I told her I was leaving. I feel guilt and pain all the time and I do not know how to make it go away. My new life suffers each day that I stay firmly in the past and yet, I can not seem to move forward. I know I still love her and I know I always will – dare I even say that I miss her too. I didn’t leave because of the love I have for her – I left because our relationship was troubled. It had been for several years but despite our arguments and fights, we always made up and carried on. I know for me each time those fights occurred, the words were harsher and the bitterness grew. Those injured feelings could not be taken back. There were other aspects of our relationship that were not healthy. She was controlling in ways that I know were a throw-back to healing the pain of my mother. I think over time these issues and other’s no longer fulfilled or satisfied me. The leaving was the most difficult and painful event I have ever endured in my life and quite frankly I am still suffering from it. It is not easy to leave after 25 years. There are constant reminders everywhere about the past and my former partner. I work hard everyday to embrace my new life…the one I wanted, needed and deserve to have. Yet, I am sad a lot of the time, trapped in the past…of missing and missing out. My hope is that some day my heart will find its way home again…..

Posted by: DM on April 27, 2009 3:47 PM

Dear JMCM

I am sorry it has taken me so long to follow up on your commments.

You are very articulate in how you see your past relationship from beginning to end. But, it seems you are saying you lost out on something that you will never find again. What is that something?

My experience is that relationships are a journey of the soul and your love for your former partner caused you to go very deep within yourself. Your soul is still calling you, but maybe your focus on your pain from your past relationship you cannot hear what your soul is trying to say.

Consider also, that this is old pain from your childhood, surfacing that needs you to acknowledge. As long as you are focused on your lost love you may not acquire the real meaing for your present ongoing pain.

The question to ask yourself 'WHERE IN ME DOES THIS PAIN ORIGINATE? And then listen for the answer.

Also, consider that you carry some guilt. There was nothing wrong in your decision. Tell yourself you are innocent and deserve more. That is the decision you made by leaving but have not been able to truely live it. Do not punish yourself, you have done nothing wrong.

I hope these commments have been helpful to you.

Michele Germain LCSW

Posted by: Michele Germain LCSW on July 7, 2009 10:22 AM

I recently ended a 7 month relationship with a boy who was very in love with me. He'd buy me whatever I wanted and do just about anything I desired. In the end, he was the ideal boyfriend. Caring, loving, wanted nothing more than to be with me. He loved to spend time with me-- would sacrifice anything to do so. Whatever I wanted was put first. I was always first.

The only thing wrong with our relationship was me. I'm a distant person, used to being off on my own. A typical lone-wolf scenario. Typically I wouldn't bother with a serious, long-lasting relationship, but at the start I genuinely liked him. I eventually came to love him... just not on the same level of love he felt for me. I found myself regretting spending time with him and the only time I was interested in getting together was when money or shopping was involved. I realized I was being materialistic and that the excitement and love I had felt previously vanished.

Along with my disintegrating feelings came a pugnacious nature that I was unfamiliar to. I would look for reasons to fight just so we could split up for a few days. Either way, when I would bring up the topic of breaking up he would cry and beg to make it work-- in the end my empathy had the best of me.

Finally I broke it off. Now I'm feeling the worst I've felt in a while. The guilt is eating me alive. I think it's best for the both of us. He deserves someone who will give him the same amount of love he dishes out. He deserves much more than me. On the other hand, I deserve whatever makes me happy.

I can't help the way I feel, however. I just can't get past the fact that I broke his heart. He's still in a catatonic state too. However, as much guilt as I have.. I don't feel regret.

I think I can move on.

Posted by: Coniglietto on July 30, 2009 5:15 AM

Dear Coniglietto

You are very clear about yourself and your needs. The only thing I would ask you is "why do you think there is something wrong with your because you want to end a relationship". "why do you feel guilty when you honor your integrity and value him enough to speak your truth and have the courage to act on your truth.

Guilt only means that the good feelings and the sad feelings about ending are trying to come through. Let yourself feel everything, the sadness and the loving feelings you shared with him.

Only then will you be able to move on with more of yourself not hiding any uncomfortable feelings.

Also, it is important to ask yourself. "What is the gift in this relatinship"? "What do I now know about myself that I did not know prior to the relationship".

Relationships are a journey of the soul. Your soul is asking your to go deeper into understanding yourself.

Blessings as you move forward

Michele Germain LCSW
michele@michelegermain.com
Relatinship and Breakup Expert

Posted by: Michele Germain LCSW on July 30, 2009 12:09 PM

I recently broke up with the woman for whom I left my wife, and who left her husband for me--between us we have five children from our previous marriages. We stayed together for three years--three long years of struggle and torment, punctuated by incredible, and incomparable highs and indications that this was a once-in-a-lifetime relationship. But our crises were horrible. The substantive issues included the very slow pace of my divorce (I sought to avoid conflict with my ex-wife, who was very angry for being left, and did a lot of things for my ex that made my partner angry in turn) and the intensity of the contact that my ex and I maintained by co-parenting our children. My partner did not feel I was being loyal to her, and that in the end I still had more of a life with my ex than I did with her. She never wanted to leave her husband until she found me, and it was incredibly painful for her to break up her family. What wore me down were the scenes that lasted hours sometimes, in most cases with her raging at me in endless monologues, and me crawling deeper and deeper into myself, until I felt completely shell shocked. This happened so often I lost track. For a year we broke up at least once each month. She also became pregnant early in our relationship, which delighted me--but she insisted upon an abortion, and though I begged and begged up until the very end she would not change her mind--and the loss of our baby simply broke my heart. I withdrew emotionally for about a year--which hurt her tremendously. Mostly she blames me for not understanding that she simply felt she could not have another baby at that time in her life, which was the most difficult she had ever experienced. And I could never get over the baby. Finally, I called it quits. She has bombarded me with long emails telling me how badly I hurt her, what a worthless character I am, how she still loves me and wants me back, how she hates me and wants to be dead, and so on. The barrage has only recently, after a month, slowed, though I am sure it will pick up again. I am simply overwhelmed with guilt, and I do miss her and love her still. I just lost faith, and the emotional madness simply had to end. What has made it even harder is that she now claims to have had an epiphany regarding her own part in our mess, and that from now on everything would be different and she would be a far more relaxed and tolerant person.

Posted by: HC on August 7, 2009 4:37 PM

I feel like I haven't as much as experience in relationships or in life as others have gone through here, but it really helps to read through these, knowing I can relate to other people out there.

I broke it off with my highschool sweetheart of 3 years in the middle of my freshman year of college when I met someone else. I had wanted out for months then, and just knew I had to end it before college started because I wanted to date around and be free, but he pleaded that we could make it work. I had no idea where our relationship was going, but I knew we could only get more serious and that's not what I wanted.

The reason I feel so terrible over the breakup is because his life was in a terrible spot-- he was basically at a dead-end in life with no family or friends to support him, and he often told me I was the only reason he still hung on, that I was his motivation. But, because of that, I often felt trapped; our relationship revolved mainly around his problems and he wasn't too good at communication. When we broke up, he totally cut off contact with me, our last exchanges being mainly arguments about how I've basically made him unable to trust anyone, and me feeling like I've abandoned him. He's changed his email, deleted any form of instant messenger he had, got a new number, and threw out everything I've ever given him. Even his best friend is now unreachable so I can't even know if he's okay.

Its been months since we've broken up, and I know that breaking up with him was the right thing to do because it just feels right and I'm really happy with my current boyfriend. But, once in a while, these overwhelming feelings of guilt will haunt me and I will look for absolutely anything related to him. In fact, I found this site when I was googling his name or his old screennames, and I ended up just googling 'how to deal with guilt over ex boyfriends' or something like that. I dream about him at least once a week. It was especially bad when we were in need of just one more roommate and I keep beating myself up over the fact that it could've been him.

I know things will probably be okay for him in the end, but I just wish he hadn't completely cut it off with me. I don't know whether he needs this time of isolation, or if it's okay to contact him somehow and get more closure, just to know he's okay and that I didn't ruin his life. We were in a loving relationship for 3 years, so I know it will take more than a few months to get over this, but at the same time, I feel like these waves of guilt will keep coming until I can know he's okay and moved on.

Thanks for anyone who reads this. I probably will just have to deal with the guilt, but it helps immensely to talk to someone, anyone, about this and I feel like I've already bugged all the people I know in real life about this.

And thanks to everyone who has shared their stories, good luck to you all.

Posted by: yuu on August 9, 2009 2:18 AM

Hi i'm really glad i have found this site. It's so comforting to know that there are loads of people out there in a similar situation and that I am not alone with my guilt.
I ended a 4 yr relationship (finally) with my first real love (we got together when we were 16, although I ended it when we were 18 and we tried again). At 20 ('m now 21), I realised it just wasn't what I wanted. I felt trapped in the relationship and felt unable to grow as a person.
However, my first love helped me through so much. He was there when I needed him most. I feel incredibly guilty for ending it with him. It is so tempting to ask him back. I feel so much guilt and my mum says well you must've done something wrong or why would you be feeling so guilty? this makes me doubt my decisions and I feel worse. I am the typical 'what if' person, always looking for ways it could have been different.
But at the end of the day I wasn't happy, and I wasn't making him happy either. It's not fair to stay in a relationship in which you are not happy. On you, or the other person.

Posted by: Jackie on August 29, 2009 10:09 AM

Dear Jackie

When you speak about ending the relationship you speak with clarity about your feelings and your inner truth. You must tune into yourself and honor your feelings. Honesty with oneself and others takes great courage, so consider yourself as someone who is able to express their honesty even when it is difficult.

Guilt is something most of us carry because of our culture. Instead of feeling guilty, be proud of yourself for being honest and sincere in how you felt about the relationship.

Write down all of the gifts you received from the relationship as well as the gifts you gave him. Also, with endings comes sadness. THis is a loss even though you wanted to end it. So take the time to write about your sadness.

This will help you let go of the guilt and move forward with your life.

Do not see your ex-partner as a victim. Send him your positive thoughts for his future. Wish him well and you will be able to then to move forward with all of yourself.

Guilt and unresolved grief holds us back from being happy in our life at the moment.

Thank you for sharing

Many blessings
Michele Germain LCSW
Relationship Expert

Posted by: Michele Germain LCSW on September 1, 2009 10:19 AM

This site is amazing. I thought I was going through this alone, but it's comforting to know that I'm not.

I just ended a relationship with my girlfriend of the past year and a half. We are both 24 years old. She was amazing to me. She loved me like no other, was constantly showering me with gifts, notes, emails, affection. Everything was about me, she bended to my will, and gave in to all my desires.

We were best friends, always together, and could talk about anything. Within a month we loved each other, and within 6 months were talking about marriage and moving in with each other.

We had our issues, there were some trust issues involving her ex boyfriend, but nothing huge. I could have ignored it, but for some reason the things she said to him (talked to him about their memories of living together) really made me jealous.

About 6 months in she complained about our sex life, which was fine to me, since everything in the relationship was on my terms. She told me she felt disrespected and wanted her opinions to be validated.

This girl was a little tongue tied, and most of the time wouldn't bring up an issue she had with me until days, or even weeks later. When we started dating, everything I wanted to do was fine, but by the end, she was feeling oppressed.

That was the start of the end, we fought constantly over little things, and I found myself being increasingly nasty to her. The respect was gone, the love was there, but we always seemed to be fighting.

About 6 months later, my brother had a heart attack, and this turned my entire world upside down. Our father died of a heart attack at 42, and my brother was only 34. I'm 24, so I knew I had to change my life drastically if I was going to be alive for my children and family.

In the midst of all this crisis, we were fighting even more, and a few things happened that I could not deal with. We would often do laundry together, and a few times she brought over another man's boxer's in the laundry (she claimed they were her room mate's boyfriend's or her sisters, but I was so blinded by anger I didn't listen to her)

After that incident I turned her away, I was constantly "punishing" her as she would call it, and wouldn't speak to her for a day or two.

We got into a huge fight one day about her credit card going missing or something (she blamed me, since i had used it the day before) and it escalated to the point of my punching her dashboard and breaking my hand.

At this point, I knew the relationship was unhealthy, and decided it would be best if we ended things. I told her I needed some time and space to figure things out, she said she still loved me, and would give me whatever I needed.

After a few weeks of back and forth, we were still fighting, I had been hanging out with another girl, who was a friend (she did sleep over once or twice) and of course, she was NOT happy about it.

The last straw was when I was coming back into town after visiting my brother, she had been taking care of my dog (our dog) and picked me up from the airport. She asked to spend the night, and I told her I was too tired, I needed to just sleep, and I would see her tomorrow. This threw her into a rage, and the last text she sent me that night was "Fuck You"

I didn't speak to her for the next day, and I guess she finally grew tired of my constant ignoring her. She blocked my number, and refused to speak to me since. I knocked on her door and begged forgiveness, for breaking up with her, and about the girl spending the night. She said she could no longer trust me, and I had run out of chances to be with her.

Right now I'm feeling like I ruined the best thing that ever happened to me. I was selfish the entire relationship, and me wanting to get back with her is just me missing all the things she used to do for me.

I feel incredibly guilty over hurting someone I really care about, and also sad that it took all of this to realize how good she was to me.

Obviously I wasn't happy, or I would have made it work, not been such a dick, or even broke it off in the first place.

Reading this site has helped, as well as spending as much time with family and friends.

I am keeping busy and trying to move forward, learning from this situation.

It gets easier every day.

Posted by: Victor on September 3, 2009 9:21 AM

Dear Victor
As you share the events of your relationship with openness and self-honesty healing is occuring. As a great psychologist once said "we are only as sick as our secrets". If we do not share our feelings of loss, whether it is anger, sadness, relief to name a few, we will carry around this thing called "Guilt" and "Shame" and it may get buried. Don't let that happen

Guilt is not a feeling it comes from strong self-judgment and self-blame for all that has occured.

You articulated that there were problems in the relationship of trust and that trust did not heal it grew deeper. Whatever the reasons, it sounds as if neither of you had the motivation, ability or desire to seek help and work out the issues that you both were facing. Do not blame yourself.

What is most important is that you not carry around any guilt, Let yourself be sad or angry over the realtionship and the pain it has caused you, or you may have caused her. But, release those feelings.

One way to do this is to journal the sadness and anger and then list all of the gifts you received from her and you gave to you during your time together.

This will help you to move forward.

Ask yourself, "What was my lesson in this relationship"? "What do I need to do differently in my future relationship"?
Do this with compassion, not guilt of judgement.

Then you will have grown from the experience and will go into your next relationship wiser and with more tools and awarenss of yourself, your needs and expectations in the relationship

Good luck, if I can be of any help further, please email me.

Many blessings
Michele Germain LCSW
Relatinship Expert
michele@michelegermain.com

Posted by: Michele Germain LCSW on September 4, 2009 3:38 PM

Hi,

This was really helpful. I not too long ago broke up with my boyfriend and the guilt is just killing me. Not only that, but everyone keeps telling me how much of a nice person he was and that I should have stayed with him. Even worse we work together.

The reason I broke it off was simple. I did not feel the same way about him as he felt about me. I found that it was unfair not only to me but to him to continue a relationship based on a lie, so I ended it. Now it's like I am being sentenced for a crime I never committed.

I don't think I can take this anymore. To make things worse, I think he knows how I feel and is slowly turning my friends against me. It's like everytime that we have a conversation they mention something about him and what he's going through. " he's not eating, he's not sleeping he's getting sick, why did you do that to him" and the list goes on.

I am so tired os this. I really don't know what to do !!!!!

Posted by: Simone Julien on September 16, 2009 2:41 PM

Hi,

This was really helpful. I not too long ago broke up with my boyfriend and the guilt is just killing me. Not only that, but everyone keeps telling me how much of a nice person he was and that I should have stayed with him. Even worse we work together.

The reason I broke it off was simple. I did not feel the same way about him as he felt about me. I found that it was unfair not only to me but to him to continue a relationship based on a lie, so I ended it. Now it's like I am being sentenced for a crime I never committed.

I don't think I can take this anymore. To make things worse, I think he knows how I feel and is slowly turning my friends against me. It's like everytime that we have a conversation they mention something about him and what he's going through. " he's not eating, he's not sleeping he's getting sick, why did you do that to him" and the list goes on.

I am so tired of this. I really don't know what to do !!!!!

Posted by: Simone Julien on September 16, 2009 2:42 PM

DearSimone

Thank you for sharing your feelings and your experience it will help others.

The question you should ask yourself is "what have I done that I should be punished".

You are punishing yourself by telling yourself you are a bad person, you have done something terrible and you should be punished.

You are responsible for yourself and making choice that are in your highest good. You cannot fix your ex-partner or make him stop feeling angry or hurt. He also has a choice in how he deals with this.

You can choose freedom or suffering. And so can he.

You must return your mind to its natural loving state instead of constant guilt thoughts and self-blame.

So I would like you to try the following:

Every time you have a thought or feeling of guilt or self-blame,I want you to stop and say "I AM RELEASING THE GUILTAND LETTING GO OF ALL GUILTY FEELINGS'.

Then send love to yourself and good loving thoughts to your ex-partner that he heals and moves forward.

Many blessing, if Ican be of further help, please let me know.

Michele Germain LCSW Relationship Expert
michele@michelegermain.com

Posted by: Michele Germain LCSW on September 17, 2009 12:56 PM

Dear Simone

Thank you for sharing your feelings.
The question I would like you to ask yourslef is what do you think you have done so terrible that you are making yourself suffer?

Who is sentencing you to a crime? There was no crime committed. You took responsibility for your life and what is in your highest good.

You cannot fix your ex-partner or change his hurt or anger. He himself must work this through. He can also choose to stay in a suffering or blaming place. He has choice in how he responds to this event as you do.

The goal now is to release your guilt and self blame and return your mind to its natural loving state.

You can choose freedom or suffering.

What I would like you to do is when your mind goes into guilty thoughts, I want you to stop and say. "I release these guilty thoughts and self blame now at this moment and bring loving compassion to myself"

If I can be of any further help,please let me know.

Blessings
Michele Germain LCSW
Relationship Expert

Posted by: MicheleGermainLCSW on September 17, 2009 1:50 PM

Please, please help with some advice. I am at a total loss of what to do. :(

I have been deeply involved with a married woman for almost 15 years now. I am madly in love with her and left my wife and kids a couple years ago for a chance with her. She has no kids. She loves me very deeply as well. There is no doubt in my mind that she is my soulmate. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her, and I love her more than my own life. There is a lot of history here, too much for me to detail her.

My marriage had been faultering for years (hung on there for the kids, but just couldn't do it much longer), and there is no doubt that my relationship with her helped push me over the edge to get out. The problem now is that she feels a TON of guilt for breaking up my marriage. She feels guilt for me moving out and not getting to see my kids as often.

I truly believe that my dream of being with her can come true if she can figure out how to deal with this guilt. I don't know what to tell her. I tell her it's not all because of her, but she says if she's even .01% responsible that she has to figure out how to deal with the guilt.

I'm in my late 30s as is she. I am begging for any help possible here as this is absolutely killing me. I see a psychologist, and am trying to get her to go with me. I can talk to her until I'm blue in the face, but she MUST find a way to lessen her self-imposed guilt. I understand why she needs to figure this out, but I can't help. She hates herself. She constantly refers to herself as a whore and a homewrecker.

I fear the combination of her hating herself and the desperation I feel to be with her will turn out in a very bad way. I do not want to live the rest of my life without her. I hurt.

What can I tell her (besides seek professional help)? She is my life. I will not live much longer without her :(

Thank you.

Posted by: John on December 24, 2009 1:13 AM

Dear John

Yes, as much as you love her with all your heart and soul, it is not in your power to change her thinking. I suspect you are dealing with the helplessness you feel, as deep down you know that she is the only one who can let go of the distorted thinking and the self imposed guilt she is carrying.

I know you have tried everything you can, and the question is how do you accept this and not make yourself suffer. In order to accept the unacceptable we must look for our spiritual center and trust that what is happening must be a reason and a learning that we must figure out.

Sometimes it means learning to let go because many things are not in our control.

If I were to speak to your women friend, I would tell her that she does not have the power to make you do anything. That everyone has the free will and power to do what they feel is in their highest good.

I would ask her why she feels the need to punish herself and does she does feel she deserves the love and all the good life has to offer her.

As long as she is holding these thoughts of guilt she is punishing herself and keeping herself from her own heart and soul. If she has a connection to her spiritual center or if she has a spiritua figure she admires I would ask her to speak from her heart and to ask for clarity about her need to punish herself and hold onto guilt. Forgiveness and self-forgiveness is a spiritual principal, all of us need to learn.

My best to you as you journey through this relationship, stay in touch with your own soul and heart and let your inner wisdom guide you.
Ask for spiritual clarity on what it is you are to learn from this relationship.

If I can be of any further help, please let me know.

Michele Germain

Posted by: michele germain on December 24, 2009 4:48 PM

After reading ALL the stories on this site, it is comforting to realise I am not the only person feeling overwhelming GUILT.

I broke up with my boyfriend after 10 years together, we bought a house together 2 years ago, but last year I got the opportunity to travel abroad to work and after a tough year together, I took the opportunity. The tough year involved him gambling and promising he would never do it again, and of course its an illness so he did. The worst thing about it all, he is such a good guy in every other way. I left to work abroad and in my mind I left our relationship behind...after a couple of months he followed me to get an answer, the week together was horrific, we cried and talked all week long before he flew home. I can only describe it like I pulled out his heart and walked all over it on the ground, he was devastated. After he left I regained some normality and now I have come home for a holiday and gone through the whole drama again. He is seeking help for his problem and doing very well. I feel I owe him the time to talk and listen whenever he wants, he is still devastated and thought I might change my mind. I have cried so many tears FOR HIM, out of guilt and because I have hurt someone I care about so much. He has said he will never move on and he only wants me and if he cant have me, he doesnt want anyone! This is killing me, I understand things take time and all I want is him to be happy. I did doubt my decision when I seen the pain I was causing, but I had to be true to myself and stand my ground on my decision. We are both on different wave lenghts and want different things in life and have been together since we were 16, I am now 27. I never lived my single years or going out with the girls and I feel I am doing that now. There is someone else, a new relationship, who knows all about my previous relationship and is finding it difficult the fact that I am giving my ex so much talking time, it is now starting to come in between us in my new relationship. He doesnt understand the guilt I feel and yet he manages to block the past out when I am with him. I have a very supportive family but I truly feel that if I have hurt someone so bad, I dont deserve to be happy. I know I have made the right decision, but the pain in my heart is overwhelming, I hope the feeling subsides soon with time.

His mother did call me and asked me to break all contact and not answer his calls, but I cant do that, I would feel too bad.
Any advice on my situation is welcomed :)

Posted by: Karen on January 1, 2010 2:35 PM

Dear Karen

Guilt is not part of the grieving process. It is a way of punishing yourself for what you think you have done wrong. Being truthful with yourself and with your "ex" is what is the most important.

Ending's are difficult even when you are the one that initiated the breakup. It is part of being human to have sadness as a result of a loss. This man has been in your life for a very long time.

Ask yourself the "gifts" you have received and you have given in the relationship. Focus on the lessons you have learned and begin to detach emotionally from him.

By being so available to your "ex" may be given him false hope that the relationship can continue. This is what you do not want to do, that will not help his letting go and moving on with his life.

Feel your pain, journal your feelings and bless the relationhip, send him warm thoughts and positive energy so that he can move forward. That is what will help both of you. Guilt will only keep you stuck and him stuck as well.

Let go of the guilt. Tell yourself you deserve to be happy, and he deserves to have someone who is going to make him happy.

Michele Germain LCSW
Relationship Expert

Posted by: michele germain on January 3, 2010 5:03 PM

I can't tell you how helpful it is to read all of these comments. I finally feel like what I am about to do is okay. Like someone is telling me that is alright to let go. I am on the verge of breaking it off with my boyfriend of 3 years and have felt nothing but ambivalence when he asks me what I want to do. I had a strong suspicion we were not compatible early in the relationship, but believed in it so much and wanted it to work I just let time pass. Now it's been 3 years and those feelings have never changed but only have made the decision of leaving even harder because I have grown so close to him. I love and care for him very deeply, but my intuition has been telling me that this cannot work. We are on two very different wavelengths with how we feel about the world and I have lost almost complete interest in sex for the last couple years. Most times I would rather be with friends and feel a secret sense of freedom and energy when I know he is away on vacation or seeing family. The guilt sickens me and a lack of descision even more so. I am 31 and cannot afford to waste any more of his or my own time- yet I am completely terrified to hurt him and lose him. More terrified to hurt him though...why do we feel like the ones we leave are going to be so hurt? Am I flattering myself? I wish I was but I know I am responsible for ruining someones life plans-at least that's how I think of it. He thought this was going somewhere and now Im going to abandon him. I think knowing that is the hardest part- or know that I am making the right decision. He wants me to move in and thinks it would help us...but I just don't know what it would do. I think I have known for a long time what needs to be done- just too guilt ridden and scared to do it.

Posted by: Marie on January 5, 2010 3:04 PM

Hello there.

A month ago I ended a year-long relationship with a gentle, uncomplicated, loving man. He was younger than me and although in the beginning his emotional straightforwardness was appealing - my relationship before him was with an incredibly over-complex and deep person, which burned me out - but after a while I realised that he was not an intellectual equal to me and I became frustrated and unfulfilled. I was tired of feeling like the 'leader' in all elements of the relationship, the only one who would make decisions, and the one who was carrying the weight of making it 'work'. He was also a very handsome man and I grew tired of women throwing themselves at him, and his tendency to flirt with them which made me feel hurt and unattractive. Overall, while I loved him I felt that our union was bringing more trouble than happiness.

So I finished it with him, and he went into deep shock.

My Ex's home situation is currently very volatile due to fighting family members, but he can't move out as he has little money, and his friend support network aren't giving him any kind of help...just taking him out and getting him drunk. He's in a dark place at the moment and is crying out for help but getting none.

The guilt I am experiencing every second of each day is unbearable. We are in near daily contact via email or text, mostly with him telling me the only thing he wants in the world is to have me back, and me replying that although I still care for him deeply, we just weren't compatible.

I have deeply damaged a truly loving and decent man, and his emotional and psychic suffering burns a hole in my heart. I wish dearly to be abe to take his pain away. I feel like I've ruined him. Will this pain ever cease for both of us? I don't feel I deserve any kind of happiness until I know for sure he is going to be okay.

I would enormously appreciate any insights you could offer. Thank you.

Posted by: Spinny on April 9, 2010 5:06 PM

Man i hear ya guys....i broke up with a girl like 8 months ago and still feel guilty about just trying to go out with another girl or trying to start something up with another girl. I don't know if I was ready for a relationship and at the same time I don't know if we clicked as much as we should have. There were many things I wasn't sure about and after a month she did great many things that were just disturbing. I also had some issues at the time which may have been caused by her, like depression. I felt i had no more choice. Guilt still exists right now, like "what would she think if she saw me out there dancing with another girl"...remembering the good times between us makes me bring this question up. Call me sensitive, i believe i am a good balanced guy...it's just this is a tough one to get over...i know i will get over it in the future..i just want to be free

Thanks for reading and hopefully gaining some insight on guilt and i wish you well with yours if you have some.

Vlad

Posted by: Vlad on May 1, 2010 10:40 PM

Checking

Posted by: Anne on July 5, 2010 8:13 AM