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Boundaries - Do You Know Where Yours Are?
filed in Self Esteem on Dec 20, 2006
Sorry about the delay, but my computer was down. Interesting what happens when we don't have immediate control over our life. It certainly helps us develope patience. Well, speaking of control. What we don't have control over is other people's behavior. But what we do have control over is our boundaries.
A recently divorced client compained that her former spouse continues to criticize and yell every time she has a discussion about money or the children. "I keep telling him to stop, I don't deserve this, but he won't". Where are your boundaries I asked her. She replied "What boundaries"?
Boundaries are where you draw the line when you feel an intrusion or a violation of your emotional and physical space. It is critical for your self esteem that you identify and have the skill in setting boundaries. Physical and emotional boundaries are connected. When somone goes through your physical boundaries they might be standing so close to you that you feel uncomfortable, or they hug or touch you without asking. Someone may go through your emotional boundaries when they verbally attack or yell at you, or when they are using language that is offensive, to name only a few situation.
You might be ignoring your bodies reaction to these intrusions and pretend, overlook or become confused. At which time you fail to set the appropriate boundary. Maybe later you start to feel upset, angry or agitated by the event. So here are some suggestions
Stay Connected to Your Body - This is how you will recognize when something is wrong. We need to tune into the signals in the moment. Feel your feet on the ground, contact your breath and drop down your shoulders.
Discern What Your Are Feeling - Learn to acknowledge and give yourself permission to state when you feel something is wrong even if it is after the fact.
Act By Setting The Boundary - Now you are ready to act, because you know you have a right to protect yourself. You act rationally, not emotionally in a grounded manner. My client might tell her former spouse, "I will not stay on the phone with you if you continue to criticize me".
Or you may walk away, or change the subject or confront it directly by saying what you happend that you are uncomfortable with".
Take it one step at a time and practice whenever you can.
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