Do Not Abandon Yourself - During A Breakup

A loss of a relationship can cause a lost of identity.  As painful as this maybe it is an opportunity to develop a deeper relationship with yourself. If you pause and listen and desire to know the truth deep inside you may find the negative self-talk that has been there for a long time.  

So now is the time to connect with yourself.  Everyone is hiding something inside of themselves that is making them uncomfortable.  

In order to develop a healthy self esteem and regain your identity it is important to first identify your negative self-talk.

Since the breakup are you silently or out loud telling yourself you are a “failure”, “not thin enough, smart enough, intelligent enough, etc. etc. 

Usually this type of self-talk begin in childhood.  Negative things are said and the child internalizes these messages and as ones develops the negative messages get hidden and we don’t even know how much negative self-talk we have.

Start now and begin to listen to your self-talk and find 5 things that you tell yourself that cause your self-esteem and identity to take a nose dive.

Then begin to give yourself 5 positive messages that will make you feel good about yourself. This may sound simple, but it is one of the most important things you can do while you are going through this difficult time.

Personal Power Communication

What is personal power?   There is so much misunderstanding as to what is personal power.  This is because most people did not have good role models during their childhood.  Then one does not  really know what is appropriate and an healthy expression of personal power.   

Personal power is not obtained by getting even, matching someone’s anger, accepting a challenge, having to win, getting even through revenge.   This is what many do when they are attempting to assert themselves especially in a separation/divorce or within an on-going relationship. 

Personal power is the ability to act in a calm secure and grounded manner after you have assessed a situation.   It can require setting boundaries, by simply saying “no”, or by politely ending the conversation.  It means you are asserting your ideas, thoughts and feelings without looking for approval, but to stand up for yourself in your own behalf.

It requires that you stay grounded in your body, dropping into the center of yourself, feeling your feet on the floor and expression yourself with calmness and integrity.  

It does not involve blaming, attacking, trying to convince someone they are wrong and you are right.  If you are asserting your personal power you can make the statement, “we will have to end the conversation and agree to disagree”. 

Healing Self-esteem after a Breakup

If you have gone through a breakup of a relationship, your self esteem has likely taken a nose dive.   Often a breakup triggers a sense of failure.    When you tell yourself, whether out loud or silently, in the background of your mind, that you are a failure, you are wounding your self esteem.  You are also reinforcing any guilt and shame that lies deep within.

Sometimes the strategy to get away from this sense of failure, is to jump out of your body to not feel the pain and to keep yourself so busy you don’t hear your negative self-talk.  Being busy helps you to stay away from the negative thoughts and the feelings in your body, but does not allow you to heal your self esteem.

Steps to take to heal your self esteem:and inner guilt or shame

Self-Love –   Give to yourself, positive message.  Self love is the absence of guilt and shame. Tell yourself you have done the best you could do.   You are deserving of good.  You are worthy of help and support. etc.

Anchor yourself in your body – Listen and embrace all of the feeling with compassion.

List your accomplishments –  Make a list of all your accomplishments, strength, and qualities you like about yourself and focus on them.   Get your friends to add to the list.

Accept your imperfections –  Accept all of your imperfections and know that you are worthy, lovable and enough just as you are.  You can be loved with all of your imperfection.  

Update your inner child –  Remind your inner child that she had negative messages as a child, that she/he internalized, and that she is innocent, pure and a divine child of the universe. 

Anchoring Your Awarenes In Your Body

Very often when you have gone through a breakup and have been under stress for a period of time, you leave your body and disconnect from your feelings. Often clients tell me tey feel nothing or they fel numb in their body.   When we go through a loss, the grieving process will take you directly  back to your body.  Now you have an opportunity to live more fully connected to yourself in your mind, body and spirit. 

Now is the time to anchor your awareness in your body  This is where you stand at the threshold of becoming expanded and increasing your capacity for pleasure and inner guidance as you move through the feelings. 

Here are some things that will help you begin to live more fully in your body.

1.  Hesitate during your day, and ask yourself how you are feeling.

2.  Scan your body in the morning or in the evening and identify where you feel the most tightness or numbness.  Here is where you may be blocked

3.  Breath into the areas that are tight or numb.  Take 3 or 4 deep breaths and give yourself instructions to let go. 

4.  When you are moving through your day always feel your feet on the ground.

5.  Do some exercise that you enjoy, but do them slowly so you can feel every part of your body moving. Walking very slowly is a good start.   (Consult your doctor before any new exercise.)

6. Pause and move slower thought out your day, instead of trying to keep up the pace of everyone around you.   Slowing down allows for your to drop down into yourself.

Practice these few tips and see what happens.   Your body is your friend and holds the wisdom of your soul.    Living in your body is the goal.  This is where the pleasure and inner guidance can emerge.

Body Image Improves after a Breakup

Your mental attitude and your body attitude are the same.  Stop and consider your present body image.

Has your body image taken a dose dive since your divorce or breakup.   This is not uncommon.   When you are in a significant relationship for a period of time that is not going well, or when you end a relationship, you may loose your inner sense of worthiness and value  

 It is also true that our culture projects a “Idealized Body Image” that everyone is to fit into.  Many men and women are desperately trying to live up to this image.  If you are engaged in trying to live up to the cultural standard, making this fixed image your personal ideal, you will stay away from your genuine self, and disconnect from your essential being.  

There is nothing wrong with improving your body, wearing different clothes, or making yourself look younger or older.  If it is done with the right intention and you abandon trying to prove your worthiness through your looks and shape of your body.    

 Here are some tips to regain a healthy body image.

Self Appreciation – Thank your body for the strength, steadiness, health, perseverance and for the joy and pleasure it has given you so far in your life.

Be Present In Your Body – Put your hand on your heart and ask yourself ,”how you  are doing.”  Let go of your mind drop into the center of your body, feel the sensations and the energy. Focus on your breath.   This will help you to connect with your core. 

Reawaken Your Inner Child – Find an activity that you did as a child with your body. Jump rope, swing, throw or kick a ball around, roll around on the ground.  When you connect with your inner child you will discover your natural joy and pleasure of your body.

Hugging –  Give your body contact,by reaching out and hugging those you feel comfortable with.  This nourishes the body and tells the body it is loved.

List The Things You Like About Your Body – Make a list of what you enjoy and like about your body.   Accentuate those areas, nd focus on them.

Colors Clothes –  Wear colors and clothes that highlight your essence,and make you feel good in your skin. 

Take one step at a time, but have fun doing some of the things above.   After a divorce or breakup it is important to reawaken your body, it may of been asleep or numb. Now is the time to get it back.