Divorce Break Up and Beyond
Clear your Mind, Find your Soul
Christmas and holidays remind us of our desire to be connected. It brings up our need to be loved and to love. You cannot think about Christmas without thinking about relationships present and past. And during this time you may even be thinking about former partner or spouse.
You may find yourself flashing back to the past as you do your holiday shopping, party attending or Christmas trimming. You may find yourself idealizing this former relationship remembering only the “good times” and forgetting why you are not together. You may even wish for “what use to be”. This focus on the past may keep you out of the present moment, where you may be feeling a little lonely especially if you are not with “someone special”. This is not productive, but it is common as I speak to many men and women who have been through a divorce or breakup.
Here are some helpful tips to help you let go of the past and enjoy your holiday time.
l. Recognize when your mind travels back to an old relationship. Honor the feeling and then let it go.
2. Persist in creating new holiday rituals and traditions, don’t worry about being like everyone else.
3. Plan ahead and let go of wishing for what use to be.
4. Avoid holiday over spending and remember your heart is your most precious gift.
5. Stay in a place of gratefulness for what you have. State one thing daily that you are grateful for. Make that part of your day.
Feeling tense during the holiday season? Does holiday tree trimming, mall hopping, Christmas caroling, office parties, present wrapping, house decorating, Santa visiting and chestnut roasting leave you with mixed emotions? Are you showing up for these events with your significant other, your children or friends with only half of yourself? Do you have a worn out body, a chaotic mind or a heavy heart? If you can’t sit back and enjoy your relationships and the holiday offerings, you may be succumbing to holiday stress and placing too much emphasis on the material things and getting as much done and as many activities attended as you can.
We often forget that the most important gift we can give is the gift of ourselves. Our true authentic open hearted self. That requires you to be fully present in the moment with whomever you are with and whatever you are doing?
Here are some tips to help you say present and connected to your heart center.
l. Slow down – stop, look and listen to what is inside of you.
2. Make eye contact with your children, family members or significant other when you are with them.
3. Pause often during your day and look deeply into your heart. Ask yourself how you are feeling, and ask yourself how fast you are moving,and if you are present to what is happening.
4. Learn to say “no” to events without feeling guilty.
5. Observe yourself moving through your day. Give your full attention to what activity or task is in front of you, and let go the what you need to do later, tomorrow or next week.
Make sure your heart is open before you open any present. The past is gone the future is not yet hear and all you have is this “precious moment”. So make sure you are allowing yourself to be fully present.
A major complaint I frequently hear about intimate relationship is this theme of “Getting Enough or Being Enough”.
Woman feel they are not going to “GET ENOUGH” and men feel they are not going to “BE ENOUGH”.
Woman are usually over givers and caretakers of their partners, their children and others, but they typically ignore their own needs and do not stop to give to themselves. This creates depletion. Instead of giving to themselves they direct their attention to the man in their life and look to him to fill her up. Woman expect the man in her life to know what to do to make her happy and make her feel like she has ENOUGH. She has been conditioned to believe that if he loved her he should know what to do without her having to tell him.
The man feels he is NOT ENOUGH if the woman in his life is complaining about her needs not getting met (and he is conditioned to believe that he must make her happy).A woman may say this gently or critically, but the message is she is not happy with him. When this is spoken the man may get defensive and attempt to ignore, deny or react negatively. Silently he feels he is not enough of a man to make her happy, but he does not connect to this feeling. And, he does not have the communication tools or the patience to ask her what it is that will make her happy. He is conditioned to believe that he should know without having to ask.
This “NOT ENOUGH” theme is one of the main cause of a failed relationships.
The answer is three fold:
l. Know that your worthiness does not rest on what you get from another or what you give to another, you are enough just as you are.
2. You must nourish your self esteem and give to yourself, self love is one of the most important aspect of well being.
3. Communication is essential. Do not expect anyone to read you mind. And know that you will never get all you needs met from your significant other.
Divorce or a breakup of a significant relationship creates a loss in every area of your life. Children, a home, a savings account, even the family dog are converted to a checklist of custody, property, and asset arrangements requiring negotiation.
But, another loss that many do not talk about is “FRIENDS”. This is not negotiated, it just happens. Whether they are casual or significantly long relationships you may loose some friends in the process of ending a relationship. Friends seem to choose sides, even though it is not necessary. They do not know how to be supportive. They feel they are in the middle and do not know how to handle this, they become judgmental and choose the side of the person they seem to agree with. When this occurs one person experiences a loss and a sense of betrayal.
Many people ask me what to do about this
l. Grieve the loss of your friend – feel your feelings
2. Realize you have no control over their decision. Don’t try to talk them out of their decision.
3. If they cannot be supportive, it probably is better they are not around
4. Do not blame yourself for their departure. Consider that this may be in your highest good.
Why do Fifty percent of First marriage end in divorce? Why do 60% of second marriage end in divorce. This statistic is changing, but people are waiting longer to marry. Everyone is lost as to why this is happening.
So many are fearful of taking the step again given these statistics. What do you need to do?
1) Get over the grief, blame, resentment and do not carry it around in your body, heart or mind. Do the grief work it takes to let it go.
2). Identify the lessons from your previous relationship and learn what you need to do differently? You may need help with this from a relationship expert.
3) Acknowledge that there is a gift in a crisis of a relationship breakup. List the gifts and add to the list as you move through the process. It is getting you closer to your true self where you can truly find the right person for you.
4) This is a spiritual crisis and there is a calling for you to listen to the voice within as to what you need to do to further your spiritual side.
